养猫指南 To Herd A Cat

作者：Dana Luery Shaw

“终于，我将让所有人看到我真正的能力。”

“Finally, I will show everyone what I am truly capable of.”

教授拨动第一个开关。一道劈啪作响的弧光照亮了实验室，映出地板上七零八落的齿轮和工具、斑驳墙壁上粘贴的字条和手绘蓝图、还有一层白色的软毛，像浮灰一样盖在一切的表面。那道弧光照出他不怀好意的笑，随后暗淡了下去。

The professor flipped the first switch. A crackling light flashed in the laboratory, illuminating the gearwork tools scattered haphazardly across the floor, the notes and hand-drawn blueprints pasted over the dingy walls, and the thin layer of white hair dusted everywhere. The light glinted off his impish grin before fading into darkness.

“他们都说我疯了。疯了！”

“They all said I was mad. Mad!”

他突然停顿。……仔细想来，印象中他们并没有直接使用“疯”这个字眼。更常听到的是“烦人”。“哑炮”。“扫兴”。“永远也别想转正。”

He paused. Well... come to think of it, I don’t believe the word “mad” was ever used. “Annoying” is more prevalent. “A dud.” “Disappointing.” “Never going to get tenure.”

啊，没错，这句话最过分了。

Ah, yes, that was it.

“他们说我永远都别想转正！正式终身聘用！”他对着昏暗的房间吼道，“说我的发明只不过是昂贵的镇纸！哼……都可以闭嘴了！”

“They said I would never get tenure! Tenure!” he shouted into the gloom. “That my inventions were merely expensive paperweights! Well... no more!”

他伸手拨动第二个开关，但有点卡住了。可能是因为毛捷卡把咖啡洒到上面过。反复用力尝试三次以后，这个开关也屈服于他的威风与怪力。一种低沉的嗡鸣声充斥了整间实验室。

He reached to flip the second switch, but it stuck a little. Probably from when Mauczka spilled coffee all over it. It took another three tries before it, too, fell before his awesome and terrible power. A low hum vibrated through the laboratory.

“我已忍耐了太久，默默承受轻蔑、壮志不被赏识、还有项目的资金缺口，这些全都要拜谢皮尔特沃夫大学工程学部里的我那些所谓的同事们。他们知道缺少家族或个人资助的学者在学术的阶梯上往上爬有多难吗？肯定不知道！如果他们知道的话，就会懂我要克服多大阻力才一步步晋升……简直就是从鲜奶里熬出奶油。”

“For too long, I have been disrespected, my ambition unappreciated, and my work criminally underfunded by my so-called colleagues at the University of Piltover’s Engineering Department. Do they know how hard it is to climb up the ladder of academia without the support of a wealthy family or patron? Of course not! If they did, they would recognize the disadvantage I have had to overcome to rise through the ranks like... like cream atop milk!”

话音未落，屋子的另一端传来一声愉悦的颤音，但教授一心只想着拨动第三个开关。嗡鸣声越来越大，亮光忽明忽暗。对面的墙上发出一道柔和的蓝光。

At those words, a happy trill sounded from the other side of the room, but the professor’s attention was entirely on flipping the third switch. The hum grew louder, and the lights began to flicker. A soft blue glow emanated from the opposite wall.

这台机器，是教授的骄傲与欢乐，是令他名垂青史的东西。现在，经过这么多年的实验、失败、绞尽脑汁、推倒重来、一遍一遍又一遍，终于，准备好接受最终测试了。

The machine. The professor’s pride and joy. The thing he would be forever remembered for. Ready, finally, after all these years of experimentation, of failure, of pulling out the last of his remaining hair, of starting again from scratch, over and over and over. Ready to be tested.

三个开关全部拨上去，机器已经可以进入第二阶段。教授缓缓走到屋子另一头，品尝这一刻的胜利喜悦，同时……

And with all three switches flipped, the machine was prepared to enter its second phase. The professor walked slowly across the room, savoring the feeling of superiority as he...

等一下。毛捷卡呢？她应该在绑在座位上才对。

Wait. Where was Mauczka? She was supposed to be strapped into her chair.

“噢，我……毛捷卡？毛捷卡！”他趴到地上，在工作台下方寻找她的踪影。这时他听到一声软绵绵的嗷呜从另一侧墙边的床底下传出来，他叹了口气，附身望过去。毛捷卡正躺在下面，这支小白猫是教授最真挚的伴侣，蜷缩的地方刚好超过他的臂长，让他不得不钻进去半个身子才能抓住她。

“Oh, for... Mauczka? Mauczka!” He dropped to his hands and knees as he searched for her under his work bench. When he heard a soft mrrow from beneath the bed against the far wall, he sighed and peered under it. There lay Mauczka, the small white cat who was the professor’s truest companion, curled up just far enough away that he had to squirm halfway beneath the bed to grab her.

毛捷卡一直陪着他，伴他工作在这个无比狭小的实验室兼卧室公寓里。她总是会耐心地听他絮絮叨叨地说同事们又做了或者说了什么离谱的事，经常点头附和或者发出关怀的轻呜。她只要求他别忘记按时喂食。如果他忘了，她就会用尖锐的哀嚎提醒他。如果他无动于衷太长时间，那邻居们就会过来砸门，或者通过传音管送来控诉的字条。

Mauczka kept him company while he worked in this abysmally small laboratory-slash-bedroomless apartment, and she always listened when he needed to rant about something inane his colleagues had done or said, often nodding along or offering a supportive chirp. All she asked was that he remember to feed her on time. When he didn’t, her keening whine would remind him. If he left her wailing for too long, the neighbors would pound on the door or send annoyed notes via pneuma-tube.

“毛捷卡。”他一边轻声细语地说着，一边把她放回束带里。她一直都这么拱来拱去的吗？“毛捷卡，我需要你呆在这别动。想吃小零食吗？”

“Mauczka,” he said, his voice softening as he tried to place her in the harness again. Was she always this wiggly? “Mauczka, I need you to stay here. What about a treat?”

毛捷卡警惕地盯着教授，看他从兜里掏出一块小甜糕，这是他留给自己充饥的。她依然警惕着，把甜糕叼走放到地上，这是她惯常的餐前仪式。不多久，她就允许他把自己绑进束带里，一脸不情愿地让他重新给自己戴上厚重的金属帽盔。

Mauczka eyed the professor warily as he reached into his pocket and offered her a small piece of the pastry he had been saving for when he was hungry. The wariness did not let up as she grabbed it from him and dropped it to the ground in her usual pre-eating ritual. Soon enough, though, she allowed him to strap her into the harness, making a pouty face when he replaced the brassy metal cap atop her head.

机器的另一端，教授难以掩饰自己激动的心情，也把自己绑进类似的束带里，戴上自己的金属帽盔，顶上嵌满了晶状物体。他花费了近十年的时间，不辞辛苦地研究这些晶体，搜遍全世界只为找到合适的共振频率，然后进行反复实验，直到把各个晶体的功率和强度的组合调校到刚刚好的数值。

On the opposite side of the machine, the professor, buzzing with excitement, strapped himself into a similar harness and donned his own metal cap, covered in crystalline artifacts. He had spent the better part of a decade painstakingly researching them, scouring much of the world for the ones with the correct frequency resonance, then experimenting with them until he got the combination of their powers and intensities just right.

本来只需要三年就可以完成的，前提是院长批给他应有的经费。当然了，使用一些祖安的不稳定技术可能也会加快一些进展，但这种事在大学里是想都不能想的。

He could have finished in three years, had the dean given him proper funding. Of course, utilizing some of Zaun’s volatile technology might have helped speed things up as well, but that was unthinkable at the university.

教授的思绪回到金属帽盔上。有几颗晶体点亮了，其他的则只是短暂地闪烁。“全都开始步入正轨了。只要我拉下这根操纵杆，”——他示意了机器上自带的巨大拉杆，假装自己正在给斯沃帕丽特院长进行展示——“我将证明心智是完全脱离于身体的！大脑只是心智的临时居所！而心智……是可以轻而易举地在不同身体之间交换的，交换过程中不会丧失任何身份认知。而且，所有人，”他最后压低声音补充道，“都要承认他们低估我了。”

The professor turned his attention back to the metal caps. Several of the artifacts lit up, while others beeped. “It’s all coming together now. When I pull this lever”—he gestured to the large lever built into the machine, practicing for his presentation to Dean Svopalit—“I will prove that the mind is not rooted in the body at all! That the brain is merely a housing for the mind! That the mind... can be easily switched between bodies, with no loss of identity. And everyone,” he added in a low mutter, “will see just how wrong they’ve been about me.”

是的。只要他一拉操纵杆，就不会再有人忘记在跨部门备忘录里加上他的名字。再也不会有人嘲笑他实验失败，也不会阻止他给好班授课，更不会折腾他六个月让他反反复复介绍项目申请额外经费。

Yes. Once he pulled this lever, no one would ever forget to include him in interdepartmental memos again. No one would mock his failed experiments, or refuse to let him teach the good classes, or give him the runaround for six months instead of letting him argue his case for why he deserved additional grant money.

终于，安德烈什•冯•易普教授即将一鸣惊人。

Finally, Professor Andrej von Yipp would be given the appreciation he deserved.

他按捺住狂跳的心，拉下操纵杆。他感觉浑身一震耸动，双眼上翻，耳畔响起毛捷卡的哀嚎声。

Heart beating wildly, he pulled the lever. He felt a jolt travel through his body as his eyes rolled back in his head. Mauczka’s wail rang in his ears...

……然后他眨眨眼，重新适应刺眼的亮度。

... and then he blinked, adjusting to a new brightness.

我什么时候把灯打开的？

When did I turn the lights on?

他怀疑自己是不是昏过去了。他不知道刚刚已经过去了多久。他……噢，天啊，什么味道这么难闻？

He wondered if he had lost consciousness. He wondered how much time had passed. He... oh, goodness, what was that horrible smell?

冯•易普鼻子一抽，打了一串喷嚏，一连三个。但声音不对。不仅声音很大，震得他耳朵疼，而且还格外地……可爱。

Von Yipp’s nose twitched just before he sneezed, three times. But it didn’t sound right. Not only was it loud, hitting his ears harder than any time he’d sneezed before, but it was undeniably... adorable.

这是一串可爱的小喷嚏。

It was an adorable, tiny sneeze.

冯•易普低头看向自己的双手……不对，是他的双爪……毛捷卡的爪子……

Von Yipp looked down at his hands... no, his paws... Mauczka’s paws...

“我成功了！”他想要开口说，但发出的却是一声满足的呼噜。啊哈！现在我只能发出猫叫声了。冯•易普用新的双爪摸了摸自己毛绒绒的小脸，开心大笑——不，是打着呼噜叫了出来。“我成功地与毛捷卡交换了——”

“I’ve done it!” he tried to say, but it came out as a satisfied purr. Aha! I can only make cat sounds now. Touching his fuzzy little face with his new paws, von Yipp laughed—rather, he chittered—in delight. “I’ve successfully switched bodies with—”

他忽然辨认出了那股异味：是烟雾。不好。情况可能很糟糕。他摘掉金属帽盔，看到有几块晶体已经开始开裂、融化、蒸发。其中半数的晶体既没有替换件，也无法重复制作，坏了就报废了。

He suddenly recognized the odor he smelled: smoke. Not good. Potentially very bad, in fact. He pushed the metal cap off his head and saw that several of the artifacts were beginning to fracture, melt, or sizzle into steam. And about half of them were irreplaceable, one-off pieces that could not be recreated.

“神啊。”冯•易普大喊出来，不过他要说的话全都变成含糊不清的猫语惨叫。“必须赶紧把我们换回来，不然晶体就彻底毁了！”他把帽盔戴回到头上，伸出爪子去拉下另一个操纵杆——特意为猫身体里的人类安装在了合适的高度。

“Oh gods,” cried von Yipp, the words coming out as a formless caterwaul. “We must switch back before the artifacts are destroyed!” He slid the cap back on his head, reached his paw over toward the lever—thoughtfully installed at a level suitable for a human inhabiting a cat’s body—and tried to pull it down.

拉不动。

It held fast.

冯•易普根据自己的人类经验把身体伸长到极限，然后又伸长了一些。他钻出了束带，用全身的体重压到操纵杆上。但金属的材质非常光滑，他要想紧紧抓住拉杆，就势必要让帽盔滑落下去。

Von Yipp stretched as far as he knew he could based on his experiences in a human body, and then he stretched even more. He slinked out of the harness and put all of his weight onto the lever. But it was metal and slippery, and he had no way of holding on to it without the cap slipping off.

“完蛋！”他发出吼叫。“这玩意得有拇指才好用！”

“Drat!” he yowled. “This would be so much easier to operate with thumbs!”

这时他想起来了——他的人类身体有拇指啊。现在他不在那副身体里，但那副身体现在也并非空壳。她可以用拇指拉下操纵杆，及时把他俩换回来。

That’s when he realized—his human body still had thumbs. He just happened not to be in it at the moment. Somebody was, though. And she could use those thumbs to pull the lever and switch them back before it was too late.

“毛捷卡！”他发出颤音，希望她能听得见。他们俩中间隔着那台机器，看不见彼此。“毛捷卡？你能听懂吗？”

“Mauczka!” he trilled, hoping to catch her attention. He couldn’t see her on the other side of the machine. “Mauczka? Do you understand me?”

回答他的只有一声尖叫。冯•易普摘下帽盔，跑步绕到机器正面。然后，他看到自己的人类身体正在向前靠，想要挣脱束带，表情惊慌失措。

A scream was the only response. Von Yipp slid the cap off his head again and ran around to the front of the machine. There, he saw his human body leaning forward, straining against the harness, face panicked.

“我要出去！”毛捷卡用冯•易普的声音大喊道，光秃的额头上一粒粒汗珠正往下淌。“别把我关在这里！”

“I need to get out!” Mauczka shouted in von Yipp’s voice, sweat cascading down her balding head. “I don’t want to be in here!”

她已经会说人类的语言了。冯•易普心想着，悄悄摸到她身边。真是非同寻常。“你可以按下束带中央的按钮，解开束带。”他发出喵喵叫，希望她能听懂。

She’s already picked up human language, von Yipp thought as he stalked over to her. How very unusual. “You can press the button in the middle of the harness to release yourself!” he meowed, hoping she could comprehend.

毛捷卡疑惑地低下头，打量身上的束带。她冲着按钮低头，看来是想用嘴咬，但以冯•易普相对僵硬的身体，这个动作是很难做到的。“你来弄！”她喊叫着说。

Mauczka looked down at the harness in confusion. She tried to lower her head to the button, presumably to bite it, but this feat could not be achieved with von Yipp’s relatively inflexible body. “You do it!” she cried.

太好了。冯•易普跳到她腿上按下了按钮。她终于能听懂我的话了。束带打开了，毛捷卡弯下腰，想要手脚并用地趴到地上，但却四肢叉开，难堪地摔倒在地。

Oh good, von Yipp thought as he leapt onto her lap and pushed the button. At least she can understand me. The harness released Mauczka right away. She bent forward and tried to stand on her human hands and feet, but fell to the ground gracelessly, limbs akimbo.

“来，你帮我拉一下这根操纵杆！”冯•易普哀嚎着，跑回到猫座位的那一侧。

“Now I need your help with this lever!” von Yipp wailed as he ran back to the cat side of the machine.

“不，我哪都不去。”

“No, I’ll be over here.”

“什么？”冯•易普发出嘶吼。他猛然回头，看到毛捷卡正躺在地上，一切都事不关己的样子。

“What?” von Yipp hissed. He whipped his head back to see Mauczka lying on the ground, unconcerned.

“我不想动弹。”

“I don’t want to get up.”

“不是你想不想的问题！”冯•易普对她用力喊道。但他感觉有什么东西从头顶上滴落，随后……

“You have to!” von Yipp spat at her. But then he felt a drip coming from above him, and...

不好。受损的触媒已经彻底熔化了。他往地面看去，又发现另外两块晶体解体以后的碎片。现在就算毛捷卡用破纪录的速度拉下操纵杆，也来不及了。

Oh no. The thaumatic catalyzer had completely melted. He looked down at the floor and found shards of two other artifacts that had disintegrated. Even if Mauczka pulled the lever in record time, it wouldn’t be enough.

他挨着机器坐到地上。我……我被困在猫的身体里了。冯•易普灰心丧气地看了看毛捷卡，她正在往床底下钻，但根本钻不进去。而毛捷卡……他逐渐意识到了这个恐怖的事实，被困在我的身体里。

He sat on the ground beside the machine. I... I’m stuck in this cat body. Dismayed, von Yipp looked to Mauczka, who was trying and failing to crawl under the bed. And Mauczka... he realized with growing horror, is stuck in mine.

一阵大难临头的焦虑荡遍他全身上下，达到极致以后随着一阵抽搐，他咳出一团恶心的毛球。这下所有人都将知道，冯•易普一度夸夸其谈的、号称能够改变历史前进方向的发明，把他变成了一只猫。他们一定会说，真是个蠢货。他永远都无法释怀。不用想转正的事了——同事们的嘲笑就已经足够让他离开工程学部了。他将一贫如洗，而且还没有赚钱的方法。他将被赶出公寓，成为街头的流浪猫，还必须学会在祖安下面抓老鼠。

A wave of catastrophizing anxiety washed over him, culminating in spasms as he coughed up a disgusting hairball. Everyone would find out that von Yipp, for all his big talk about the invention that would change the course of history, had instead made himself a cat. What an idiot, they would say. He would never live it down. Forget about tenure—his colleagues would laugh him out of the Engineering Department. He’d have no money and no way to earn it. He’d lose the apartment and live as a stray cat on the streets, and be forced to learn to hunt rats down in Zaun...

前途黯淡。

There was no way forward.

就在这痛苦的领悟时刻，毛捷卡用最大声音发出尖叫。

It was during this awful epiphany that Mauczka screamed as loud as she could.

冯•易普慌了。他的身体受伤了吗？他会不会失去一条手臂？一条腿？一只眼睛？等他有朝一日回到那副身体中的时候，还能剩下什么？他跑到毛捷卡身边跳到她胸前。“怎么了？！我的身体不舒服吗？你干什么了？”

Von Yipp began to panic. Had his body been hurt? Would he lose an arm? A leg? An eye? Would there be anything left for him to return to one day? He sprinted over to Mauczka and jumped on her chest. “What?! What’s wrong with my body? What did you do to it?”

毛捷卡安静下来。她目光空洞地看了看冯•易普，然后大喊道，“饿！”

Mauczka stopped screaming. She looked von Yipp dead in the eye, then shouted, “HUNGRY!”

“饿？”他不知道自己应该庆幸还是应该气愤。“你大声尖叫只是因为饿了？！我刚才在那副身体里的时候还没觉得饿呢！”

“Hungry?” He wasn’t sure whether to be relieved or angry. “You’re screaming because you’re hungry?! That body wasn’t hungry last time I was in it!”

“我都饿瘦了！”毛捷卡哀嚎道，“皮包骨头了！饿死了！马上咽气！”

“I AM WASTING AWAY!” Mauczka wailed. “SKIN AND BONE! STARVED! CLOSE TO DEATH!”

“嘘，嘘，冷静。”冯•易普住的公寓楼是大学自有房产，现在又是深更半夜。他几乎已经能听见走廊里邻居气冲冲的脚步声，接下来就要砸他的门叫他安静了。“你尖叫是叫不来食物的！”

“Shhh, shhh, calm down.” Von Yipp’s apartment was within university-owned housing, and it was the middle of the night. He could practically hear his neighbors striding angrily down the hallway to bang on his door and tell him to be quiet. “You can’t get food just by screaming!”

“我能。”毛捷卡说，她变回了哀怨的男高音声调。呃，这是我平时说话的声音吗？“我以前一直都能叫来。为什么现在就不行？”

“Yes, I can,” Mauczka said, her voice returning to a whiny tenor. Ugh, have I always sounded like that? “It’s worked for me before. Why shouldn’t it work now?”

“因为平时都是我给你投喂的！但我现在没法喂你，所以求求你，毛捷卡，别——”

“Because usually I am the one who feeds you! But I can’t do that right now, so please, please, Mauczka, don’t—”

“要死了！吃不饱！这辈子就从来没吃过一口东西！”

“DYING! UNDERFED! NEVER HAD A SINGLE BITE OF FOOD IN ALL MY LIFE!”

冯•易普冥思苦想，但在这么小的公寓里，旁边还有一个大声乱叫的人，想要思考实在太难了。他刚才还以为自己的喷嚏声音很大，相比之下现在的喊叫声根本无法忍受。他的所有感觉全变得不一样了。他能在昏暗的环境下看得更清晰，他的胡须能察觉到每一粒灰尘的飘动，他的鼻子能穿过汗水和润滑油，嗅到某种金灿灿的黄油做的……

Von Yipp tried to think quickly, but it was difficult in this tiny apartment with a giant screaming person beside him. He’d thought his sneezing was loud, but this was simply unbearable. All of his senses were different, really. He could see much better in this low light than he could before, his whiskers caught the movement of every piece of dust, his nose pierced through the smells of sweat and oil to land upon something buttery and golden and...

“毛捷卡！你翻兜！翻翻右边的衣服兜！”

“Mauczka! Your pocket! Check your right pocket!”

毛捷卡把手伸进冯•易普实验大褂的衣兜里。似乎她并不知道如何使用手指——她把手指拢成勺状舀来舀去，可能没有了爪尖让她很不适应。但她还是成功把那块甜糕翻了出来，小心翼翼地在上面闻。“这是什么呀？”

Mauczka thrust her hand into the pocket of von Yipp’s lab coat. It looked like she didn’t know how to use her new fingers—she kept them together as she swiped around, likely confused at her lack of claws. But she managed to pry the pastry out, and sniffed it delicately. “What’s this?”

“这是……你刚才还吃过呢！”

“What’s... You already ate some of it!”

“气味不一样。”她耸耸肩，把甜糕扔到地上。他强忍着尴尬看着自己的身体趴在地板上进食，像吃老鼠内脏一样撕咬一块精致的糕点。而且他很清楚脚下的地板有多脏。

“Smells different,” she said with a shrug as she dropped the pastry on the ground. It was disturbing to watch his own body eat off the floor, tearing through a baked good like it was the innards of a rat. And he knew exactly how disgusting these floors were.

这正是问题症结所在：毛捷卡现在控制着冯•易普的身体，但她却不由自主地表现出自己原本的猫的行为。这可以作为证据证明我关于心智的理论设想，他暗自思考，不过现在的我可高兴不起来。因为现在冯•易普最需要的是拿出一个计划方案来。

That was the crux of the problem: Mauczka, in von Yipp’s body, couldn’t help but act like the cat she truly was. It’s a vindication of my theory of the mind, he considered, though I wish I could enjoy it more. No, what von Yipp needed to focus on was making a plan.

他原定两天以后与院长面谈。他必须出现在她面前，尽可能表现得正常一些，而且还要说服她给自己追加经费。冯•易普知道，在这只猫的寿命时限之内是不可能修好自己的机器了，所以他必须申请新项目。完全不同的课题。最好能让他的这次大变形看上去像是刻意而为之，像是专门用一种独特且有创意的方式来展现他的天才。

He had a meeting with the dean in two days. He would have to appear before her, as normal as could be, and try to convince her to give him more money. Von Yipp knew there wasn’t a way to repair his machine during the lifespan of this cat body, so he would have to propose another project. Something new. Something that would make his transformation seem deliberate, designed to show off his genius in a unique and creative manner.

这将是一次挑战，但并非没有可能。他只需要帮助毛捷卡装成人类的样子，在面谈的时候蒙混过关，同时祈祷斯沃帕丽特院长那天心情愉悦。运气好的话，他将会在本学期结束的时候让同事们刮目相看！

It would be a challenge, but not impossible. He just needed to help Mauczka act like a human during the meeting, and to hope that Dean Svopalit was in a good mood. With luck, he would be ready to astound his colleagues by the end of the semester!

冯•易普看着毛捷卡用爪子挠地板，想把剩下的甜糕埋进冰冷的混凝土里。“哎，毛捷卡，”他发出喵喵叫，“甜糕好吃吗？”

Von Yipp watched Mauczka paw at the floor as she attempted to bury the rest of the pastry in the cold concrete. “Oh, Mauczka,” he mewled. “Did you enjoy that pastry?”

她翻身躺倒，肚皮朝上伸懒腰。估计是好吃。冯•易普面露微笑。至少是某种近似于微笑的表情，是猫脸上的嘴角上扬。但事实上，这个表情更多的是一种威胁。是微笑的反面。

She flopped onto her back and stretched to show her belly. That’s probably a yes, von Yipp thought with a smile. At least, it was an approximation of a smile, as good as it got for a cat. Really, it was more of a sign of aggression. Sort of the opposite of a smile.

“想吃的话我知道去哪能弄到更多。”他发出呼噜声，“但你必须听我说。而且这次和以前我教你上厕所不一样。你必须认真听我的话。”

“I know where you can get more,” he purred. “But you’ll have to listen to me. And not like that time I tried to teach you to use a toilet. You’ll have to really listen.”

这时他意识到，他还需要教会毛捷卡上厕所。但他暂时先把这个想法放到一边。

It was here that he realized he would need to teach Mauczka to use a toilet. But he shook that thought aside.

“你能做到吗？”他等待她的回答。“毛捷卡？”

“Do you think you can do that?” He waited for a response. “Mauczka?”

依然没有回应。然后，他听到人类身体大口吸气的声音。

Still nothing. And then, he heard the sound of a human body’s deep inhale.

“我！还是！饿！”

“I’M! STILL! HUNGRY!”

The University of Piltover was one of the least peaceful places to pursue an education. The fault usually lay with the prestigious Engineering Department—lots of explosions, fires burning down half a wing of the dance department, and students and professors crashing their inventions into the structures around campus. The university wasn’t an ivory tower so much as a chaotic playground for people with talent and intelligence. That was what had drawn von Yipp in the first place, as a student and later as faculty.

That said, there were certain expectations of decorum. For example, there was unofficially a rule that the amount of damage a professor caused had to be matched by the importance of their invention. But the most well-known rule was that animals were not allowed on campus. This was a rule that Dean Svopalit had insisted upon, and she wielded considerable power.

皮尔特沃夫大学是最不太平的求学之处。祸乱的源头通常都出自著名的工程学部——许多起爆炸和失火事故烧毁了舞蹈部的半扇楼，学生和教授的发明创造在校园各处发生碰撞。这座大学可绝不是象牙塔，而是一处混乱的游乐场，供天资聪慧之人发挥才智。这也是当初最吸引冯•易普的地方，他在这里求学，随后又留校任教。

Professor von Yipp’s post-machine-mishap plan for getting around this had involved Mauczka smuggling him in beneath a large overcoat, but he did not own one, and he didn’t have time to instruct her in the intricacies of commerce. None of his sweaters were quite large enough to conceal an adult cat, either.

话虽如此，大学里也是有一些例外礼遇的。比如，有一条不成文的规定是，一名教授造成多大程度的损坏，就必须拿出多大意义的发明。但还有一条人尽皆知的规定是，校园里不允许饲养动物。这是斯沃帕丽特院长严格禁止的，而她的权力可不容小觑。

And letting Mauczka run around in von Yipp’s body, unaccompanied? Out of the question. She couldn’t remember such simple pleasantries as “Lovely weather today, isn’t it?” or “please” or not knocking over mugs filled with hot coffee, so clearly she could not be trusted to have a complex conversation. If he could have rescheduled his meeting with the dean, he would have. But it had already taken months to find an opening in her schedule, and his plan had to move quickly, especially as he needed to explain the pivot away from his research from the last decade.

冯•易普的实验事故应对方案需要毛捷卡把他藏进大号的外套里偷偷带进学校，但是他并没有大号外套，而且他也没时间教会她精妙复杂的贸易行为。他也没有任何一件毛衣能够藏的下一只成年猫的身体。

So instead, von Yipp attempted to ignore the astonished stares from students and faculty as Mauczka, in his body, sauntered onto campus with a cat on her shoulder. Well, “sauntered” was a generous term for her stumbling, halting gait. She had already bumped into more than one statue on the lush green courtyard between the brick and limestone buildings. Luckily, the sheer audacity of bringing an animal to campus meant that they were left well alone. No one wanted to be within firing range when the dean heard about this absurd abandonment of protocol.

要让毛捷卡操控着冯•易普的身体，独自走来走去？根本不予考虑。她记不住简单的寒暄“今天天气不错啊”，也不会说“请”，甚至连不要打翻装满热咖啡的水杯都做不到，所以显然不能指望让她去完成复杂的对话。如果他能把这次与院长的面谈改期，他一定会改。但他已经等了好几个月才等到院长的日程安排腾出空来，所以他的计划方案必须尽快启动，尤其考虑到，他还需要解释自己为什么要放弃过去十年来的研究方向，改换课题。

One day, von Yipp mused as Mauczka finally reached the main building, there will be a grand statue of me out here.

所以最后，冯•易普只能尽力不去理睬学生和教员们惊诧的目光，让毛捷卡，也就是他的身体，在校园里扛着一只猫，闲庭信步。好吧，“闲庭信步”说得太好听了，她的步态踉踉跄跄，跌跌撞撞。在砖石建筑围成的葱郁庭院中，她已经撞上了不止一尊雕像。幸运的是，明目张胆带动物进校园的行为让其他人避让三尺。这目无法纪的荒唐行为迟早会传到院长耳中，到时候谁都不想和这件事扯上关系。

“The Engineering Department is just up those stairs and through that door,” he said. “Do you remember how to open a door?”

总有一天，冯•易普随着毛捷卡来到主楼前面，心里想着，这里也会立起一座我的巨大雕像。

“No.”

“只要上楼梯再穿过那扇门，就到工程学部了。”他说，“你还记得怎么开门吗？”

“With your thumbs, Mauczka. Use your thumb to help you grip the doorknob and turn it.”

“不记得。”

“I don’t like them.”

“用大拇指，毛捷卡。用大拇指配合其他手指抓住门把手，然后旋钮。”

“Your thumbs? But they’re so useful. How could you not—”

“不喜欢。”

“They feel weird.”

“不喜欢大拇指？但拇指很有用啊。你怎么会——”

“Well, you’re going to have to use them if you want to get your next pastry.” The only reliable way to get Mauczka to do anything she didn’t want to was, as ever, bribery.

“感觉怪怪的。”

When Mauczka reached the door, she extended both hands outward and tried to turn the knob without using her thumbs at all. Von Yipp sighed. This would have to do.

“可是，你必须好好用拇指才能再吃到小甜糕。”想让毛捷卡做一件她不愿意做的事，永远都只有一个可靠的办法，那就是美食贿赂。

“The dean’s office is just down the hallway,” he trilled as they entered the bustling hall. He felt like he hadn’t been here in ages, but the smell of sulfur and grease, as well as that low static hum that came with any active hextech element, welcomed him back like an old friend. One good thing about his new senses was that these scents and sounds affected him more. He could almost feel himself tearing up before wondering if cats could cry.

毛捷卡走到门口，伸出两只手，试图不用拇指扭开门把手。冯•易普叹了口气。不强求了。

Mauczka, however, did not enjoy the sight of dozens of students milling about. Luckily, one of the lessons she had actually absorbed was not to scream when she was displeased. Instead, she whispered, “Too many people. I don’t like it.”

“院长办公室在走廊尽头。”他轻声叫着，和她一起进入熙熙攘攘的大厅。他感觉自己已经很久没来过了，但硫磺和油脂的味道，还有所有海克斯科技设备发出的低频轰鸣声，全都像老朋友一样对他问好。他新获得的感知有一点好处，那就是把这些气味和声音都放大了。他几乎感到自己热泪盈眶，随即他不禁好奇，猫科动物会哭吗？

“You have to walk through them. But don’t worry, they won’t step on your tail.”

不过，毛捷卡可不喜欢眼前好几十个学生走来走去的景象。所幸，她真正吸取的教训之一，就是不要在生气的时候大声尖叫。此刻，她只是小声说，“人太多了。我不喜欢。”

And they didn’t. Certainly, they gaped at Mauczka with von Yipp perched atop her shoulder, but they did not approach. Mauczka, however, was still uncomfortable, and so she drew herself up to her fullest height and... hissed.

“你必须穿过人群。不过不用担心，他们踩不到你的尾巴。”

“Mauczka! People don’t hiss!” Von Yipp’s cat body couldn’t blush, yet his face felt very hot.

他们的确没有踩尾巴。不出所料，他们都目瞪口呆地看着毛捷卡，还有她肩膀上蹲坐着的冯•易普，没人靠近。不过毛捷卡还是不自在，于是她把身体挺到最高……然后发出一声嘶哈的恐吓。

He couldn’t tell whether it was because a cat was meowing loudly in a place where no animal should be, or whether it was because a professor was hissing, but the students quickly cleared out of the hallway. With no further distractions, Mauczka located the dean’s office and opened the door to the large, plush, many-windowed room.

“毛捷卡！人类是不嘶哈的！”冯•易普的猫身体并不会脸红，但他依然觉得脸颊发烫。

Dean Svopalit sat behind her oaken desk, gazing down with pursed lips at a research file. As Mauczka entered, the dean began to speak. “So. Von Yipp. Another extension, or is it an additional grant? Because I’m...”

他不太清楚，究竟是因为一只猫在动物禁入的地方大声喵喵叫，还是因为一名教授发出嘶哈声，总之学生们很快就把走廊空出来了。干扰因已排除，毛捷卡找到了院长办公室，打开门进入了那间宽敞、豪华、还有许多扇窗户的屋子。

She trailed off as soon as she looked up. Von Yipp could see the telltale signs of an angry and explosive lecture beginning to form, so he sought to cut it off. “Tell her... she looks... well rested?”

斯沃帕丽特院长坐在她的橡木桌前，低头凝视着一份研究档案，嘴唇聚成一簇。毛捷卡进屋的同时，院长开口说话。“说吧，冯•易普。是又要延期呢，还是又要经费？我可……”

Instead, Mauczka leaned over the dean’s desk and blinked slowly. “Would you like a pastry?”

她抬起目光，立刻忘了自己要说什么。冯•易普可以看得出传闻中的迹象预兆，一番怒气冲天的说教正在酝酿，所以他想转移话题。“对她说……她今天……气色不错？”

Of all the niceties for her to remember, von Yipp thought murderously, this would be the one that sticks.

相反，毛捷卡把上身探到院长的办公桌上，慢慢眨了一下眼。“你吃小甜糕吗？”

Dean Svopalit, in a voice so quiet and scathing that von Yipp heard the end of his career in it, whispered, “Close. The door. Now.” As soon as the door was shut, he closed his eyes and pressed his ears flat against his head, waiting for the shouts that would inevitably follow...

教给她那么多礼节，冯•易普杀猫的心都有了，她记得最牢的居然是这个。

... when he felt himself being lifted off Mauczka’s shoulder. Panicked, he began to wriggle—was the dean going to throw him out a window?

斯沃帕丽特院长的声音轻柔平静，冯•易普似乎从她的口气里听到了自己学术生涯的终结。“赶紧。关门。”房门关严后，他闭上双眼，两只耳朵平贴到脑袋上，等待即将爆发的训斥……

But he looked up into her face and saw the biggest smile he’d ever seen. “Who is this widdle girl?” she asked in a singsong voice as she rubbed her nose against the top of his cat head. “Who is this baby?”

……可随后他感觉自己被提了起来，离开了毛捷卡的肩膀。他惊慌失措，开始挣扎扭动——院长要把他从窗户扔出去吗？

Von Yipp, stunned, looked back at Mauczka, who was frowning at this gross mishandling of her cat body. “Well, for goodness sake, tell her my name!”

但他抬头看她的脸，却看到了一个前所未见的幸福笑容。“这是谁啊，这个小臭囡囡？”她用逗趣的音调说着，把鼻子在他的猫头上蹭来蹭去。“这个小宝宝叫什么名？”

“Von Yipp,” she said.

冯•易普愣住了片刻，然后回头看向毛捷卡，此刻她正眉头紧锁地看着自己的猫身体受到恶心的玩弄。“说吧，没办法，把我名字告诉她！”

Dean Svopalit shook her head with a dark chuckle. “Only you would name a cat after yourself, Andrej.”

“冯•易普。”她答道。

“No, tell her your name!” von Yipp whined as the dean pressed her face into his fur. No wonder she didn’t allow animals on campus. This was embarrassing!

斯沃帕丽特院长摇了摇头，吭出一声黑暗的笑。“给猫取自己的名字，除了你没别人了，安德烈什。”

“Oh! Mauczka.”

“不是，是把你的名字告诉她！”冯•易普哀嚎道。院长把脸埋进了他的毛里，难怪她不允许动物进校园，这一幕实在太羞臊了！

“Mauczka!” the dean cooed, rubbing von Yipp’s cat cheeks while making little kissy faces. “My little Mauczka, so soft and so sweet!” After a few more minutes of petting the cat, she looked up at Mauczka sharply. “Not a word of this outside this room, von Yipp. You hear me?”

“噢！毛捷卡。”

Mauczka nodded. Von Yipp purred in delight. “Perfect. We can tell her that she has to provide funding, or we’ll—”

“毛捷卡！”院长嘟着嘴说道，一边摆出可爱的表情一边揉捏冯•易普的脸。“我的小毛捷卡，这么绵软这么香甜！”她又对着小猫爱抚了几分钟，然后突然抬头对毛捷卡说，“出了这间屋子，这件事不许跟任何人提，冯•易普，听见了吗？”

“I know you’re here to talk about your invention,” Svopalit said. “To ask me for more funding for whatever has gone wrong. But I simply don’t have the time. You’ve wasted it by bringing this... this...” Von Yipp tried to make himself purr again, but it came out as a strangled yelp. “This chatty little angel into my office.”

毛捷卡点了点头。冯•易普高兴地发出呼噜声。很好。我们可以对她说，必须给我追加经费，不然就——

“Mauczka, listen to me, and repeat what I say. Nod if you comprehend.”

“我知道你是来谈你的发明的，”斯沃帕丽特说，“肯定又是哪出了岔子，想让我追加经费。但我真是没时间。你已经把会谈的时间浪费掉了，就因为你把这个……这个……” 冯•易普想再次发出呼噜声，但却被挤出一声窒息的惨叫。“这个爱叫的小天使带进了我办公室。”

Mauczka nodded, but the dean took this as a sign that she agreed with her. “Excellent, I am glad you understand.”

“毛捷卡，听我说，然后复述给她。听懂就点点头。”

“Wait!” Mauczka cried as she listened to von Yipp’s frantic meows. “I... have been at this university for thirteen years, and—”

毛捷卡点了点头，但院长以为是在赞同她刚才的话。“很好，你能理解我很高兴。”

“And what have you done in that time? Prattled on, day in and day out, with nothing to show for it. Do you know how much you’ve cost me over the years, von Yipp?”

“等一下！”毛捷卡大喊一声，然后伴着冯•易普狂乱的猫叫声说，“我……已经在这所大学呆了十三年，而且——”

“Ugh, now she’s going to lecture me.”

“你都拿出什么成果了？一天天从早到晚，就会耍嘴，没有真才实干。你知不知道这么多年你花了我多少钱了，冯•易普？”

“Now she’s going to lecture me,” repeated Mauczka. Von Yipp winced.

“呃，她要开始说教了。”

“At least one of us is doing some lecturing!” the dean said with a roll of her eyes. “When did you last teach a class? Some of us actually invest in this university, rather than constantly demanding that it invest in us.”

“她要开始说教了。”毛捷卡复述道。冯•易普不忍睁开眼。

He perked up. “Would... teaching a class make the university more interested in investing in me? Because I could do that. Happily, as long as I have time to prepare.”

“至少我还能说教！”院长翻了个白眼说，“你已经多久没教过课了？有的教职员工是真正为大学投入身心和时间的，而不是一味要求大学给自己投资。”

Mauczka relayed this to the dean, who grinned an evil grin.

他突然来了精神。“那要是……我去教课的话，大学会不会更愿意为我投资？我是可以教课的。我很乐意教课，只要给我时间备课。”

“Well then. Professor Bunce had to drop his course load for some silly family obligations, something about someone being on their deathbed.”

毛捷卡复述了一遍，院长露出不怀好意的笑。

Bunce? Von Yipp’s heart sank into his fuzzy little toes. No... surely, she can’t mean...

“那好吧。邦斯教授被迫放弃教学任务，腾时间处理一些愚蠢的家庭事务，好像是家里有谁病危了之类的。”

“Which means we need someone to teach his intro-level class.” She looked up over her spectacles pointedly.

邦斯？冯•易普的心落到了爪子尖。不会吧……她说的不会是……

“I hate teaching those first-year imbeciles! They don’t know anything. They’re not able to assist in my research. They’re... they’re children!”

“也就是说，我们需要找人完成他的基础课教学。”她抬起目光透过眼镜直射过去。

The dean lifted von Yipp and handed him back to Mauczka. “Sounds like your Mauczka is a little cranky.”

“我不喜欢教那帮一年级的弱智儿！他们什么都不懂。他们也不能帮我做研究。他们……他们都是孩子！”

Mauczka leaned down and whispered in von Yipp’s ear. “So... do I tell her you hate the children?”

院长把冯•易普抱起来交还给毛捷卡。“你的毛捷卡好像有点不乐意。”

“No! Tell her I’ll do the class!”

毛捷卡附身在冯•易普耳边悄悄说，“那……我要告诉她你不喜欢孩子吗？”

“别！告诉她我愿意教课。”

毛捷卡盯着院长说，“我愿意教课。”

Mauczka gazed at the dean. “I’ll do the class.”

“很好。”斯沃帕丽特站起来，示意了一下房门。“在217号教室上课。你最好抓紧。”

“Excellent.” Svopalit stood, gesturing toward the door. “It’s in Room Two-Seventeen. You’d better hurry.”

“现在？”

“Right now?!”

“现在？”

“Right now?”

“《海克斯分解图导论》而已，安德烈什。这门课连毛捷卡都能教。”

“It’s just Intro to Hexographs, Andrej. Even Mauczka could teach it.”

Von Yipp despaired as Mauczka tried and failed to hold a piece of chalk, and thus could not write his name on the board. This is going to be excruciating. Quickly, he meowed instructions, things for Mauczka to say.

“I,” she said with her back to all the students in the cavernous lecture hall, “am Professor von Yipp, and I will be teaching you for the rest of this sem... s... this term.”

冯•易普彻底绝望了，毛捷卡尝试握粉笔好几次都失败了，于是也就无法把他的名字写到黑板上。这下我有的受了。他赶紧用猫叫声指挥，告诉毛捷卡该说什么。

She can’t handle the word “semester,” von Yipp thought with dread. She can’t write my name yet, let alone draw the graphic representations she’ll need to use in these proofs. How is she going to teach this class?

“我，”她背对着空旷的教室和全体学生说，“是冯•易普教授，我将带领大家完成本学期剩余的学学……学习。”

Luckily, these were first years, idiots who barely knew what hexographs were. They were also seemingly too busy staring at the cat yowling on the desk to notice that their professor couldn’t write.

她说“学习”的时候咬字不清，冯•易普越想越怕。她暂时还不会写我的名字，更不用提证明过程中需要用到的作图。她得怎么教这门课啊？

“Mauczka, follow the shapes I’m making with my paws. Try to copy that on the board.” He traced out his name on the desk, letter by letter. Mauczka stared, gears visibly turning in her head, as she wrote a gross approximation of Professor von Yipp on the board, chalk held between her palms.

幸运的是，这群学生都是一年级，都是对海克斯分解图一窍不通的白痴。而且他们都在吃惊地盯着讲桌上喵喵叫的小猫，没空注意到讲台上的教授不会写字。

This took six full minutes.

“毛捷卡，模仿我爪子的痕迹，尽量把我画的图案抄到黑板上。”他在讲桌上一笔一划地写出自己的名字。毛捷卡盯着看，显然她脑子里的齿轮正在转动，她用两只手夹着粉笔，在黑板上大致画出了冯•易普教授的字样。

Sweat gathering between his paws, von Yipp turned to the class to see one brave student raising her hand. He directed Mauczka to call on her.

这几个字写了整整六分钟。

“Professor von Yipp,” the student began, “I wanted to make sure you knew where we left off. When Professor Bunce left, he had just finished speaking to us on quadrillic hexographs.”

他的爪子开始冒汗，冯•易普转过身，看到一个勇敢的女学生举起了手。他告诉毛捷卡叫她发言。

“Quad... hmm, yes, I see.” Mauczka glanced at von Yipp, who urged her to continue. “Where we left off,” she said, blankly.

“冯•易普教授，”那名学生说，“我是想跟您确认一下我们之前的讲课进度。邦斯教授走之前，刚给我们讲完四次海克斯分解图。”

The student stood, her notebook in her hands. “The hexograph tracks the state of vibrational frequency in the magic powering a hextech drive,” she recited. “Correctly reading the oscillations allows us to better understand the way a specific crystal will interact with...” She frowned. “Are you... listening?”

“四次……嗯，好的，我知道了。”毛捷卡瞥了一眼旁边，冯•易普正催促她继续说下去。“讲课进度。”她漠然地说。

Von Yipp yowled as Mauczka tried to curl into a ball beside the lectern, laying her head down in her hands. “What are you doing?! You have to teach!”

那名学生拿着笔记本站了起来。“海克斯分解图曲线代表了一台海克斯设备中魔法能量的震动频率状态。”她背诵道，“正确读懂震荡图示，能让我们更好地理解特定水晶的交互……”她皱起眉头，“您……在听吗？”

“How do you ever sleep when your back is so... not flexible?” Mauczka whispered as she turned onto her back, unconcerned.

冯•易普大声呵斥，他看到毛捷卡想在讲台旁边蜷缩成一个球，用双手盖住头。“你要干什么？你得讲课！”

“Mauczka!!”

“你们是怎么睡觉的，后背这么……不灵活？”毛捷卡小声说了一句，然后翻身躺过来，丝毫不在乎场合。

Mauczka cleared her throat. “I’m resting my eyes,” she said loudly, so the students could all hear. “If you’re so boring that you make me fall asleep, you...”

“毛捷卡！！”

“You’ll get a failing grade.” Surprisingly, this was not the worst teaching approach von Yipp had ever encountered.

毛捷卡清了清嗓子，“我要歇一歇眼睛。”她大声说，让所有学生都听得到。“如果你们说的东西太无聊，让我听困了，你们……”

“Yeah, you’ll get a failing grade,” Mauczka said.

“你们就都不及格。”真没想到，这还不是冯•易普遇到的最差的教学方式。

A gasp rippled through the room, and the students whispered to each other. With his enhanced cat hearing, von Yipp heard snippets:

“没错，你们都不及格。”毛捷卡说。

“I knew this was a difficult class, but...”

教室里一片惊叹，学生们交头接耳。有了猫的强大听觉，冯•易普听到了其中几句：“There must be some reason for this.”“我早就听说这门课很难，可是……”“Maybe... he’s trying to teach us how to present in an engaging way.”“教授肯定不会无理取闹。”“So we can get funding for our experiments?”“或许……他是想教我们如何把枯燥的知识讲得生动有趣。”“Yes, that’s it! No professor would be this... callous, otherwise.”“这样才能申请到实验经费？”Von Yipp shook his head at their naivete. They would be disabused of that notion quickly.“没错，肯定是这么回事。不然的话，任何一名教授都不会这么……凶。”Mauczka urged the student to continue with an impatient wave of her hand. “Keep going about your... quid... hex... thing.”他们的天真让冯•易普频频摇头。他们很快就会从这个美好的愿望中醒悟。With an audible gulp, the student began to recite again, this time with bigger hand motions and metaphors. Von Yipp kept an eye on Mauczka. He had to make her listen—this charade needed to go on for months, and a cat couldn’t bribe a human adult with pastries while people watched. I must find another way to motivate her.毛捷卡不耐烦地挥了挥手，示意那个学生继续讲下去。“继续讲那个……四次……海克斯……玩意。”When the student finished, Mauczka opened an eye and nodded. “Good, uh, explaining. Well done. You can all go now. More next time.”那名学生吞了一口唾沫，然后开始重新背诵，这一次她加上了大幅度的手势，还穿插了一些比喻。冯•易普时不时地盯着毛捷卡。他必须让她听进去，因为这样的装腔作势还需要持续好几个月，而一只猫是无法在大庭广众之下用小甜糕贿赂一个成年人类的。我需要另想办法激励她才行。There was supposed to be a full hour of lecture, but none of the students mentioned it. They bolted out of the classroom, relieved that they were not asked to entertain this strange new professor.那名学生讲完了，毛捷卡睁开一只眼点了点头。“很好的，呃，讲解。不错。你们可以走了。下次再继续。”“Can we go home now?” Mauczka whined as the last student left. “I’m hungry.”本应是整整一小时的教学，但没有一个学生提出异议。他们全都迅速冲出教室，暗自庆幸不用在这位新来的教授面前进行尴尬的表演。“Fine,” said von Yipp, taking his place on her shoulder as she bumped into yet another wall. If things continue on like this, how long can we keep this up?“我们可以回家了吗？”学生走光了以后，毛捷卡哀怨地说，“我饿。”“好吧。”冯•易普说着跳到她肩膀上，而她又一次撞上了墙。如果一直这样下去，我们还能坚持多久？Over the next few weeks, von Yipp struggled to adjust to life as a cat. He felt small, powerless, at the mercy of something much larger and less intelligent than himself. As a university professor, none of these feelings were new, but they were certainly magnified now.Mauczka was... still a cat, but her attention span and level of care seemed to have gone up. She had learned how to pronounce some of the more difficult terminology. With von Yipp’s help, she explained away her awkward penmanship as the result of a summer injury, and she seemed to enjoy giving students caustic feedback when they answered a question incorrectly. He wondered whether her progress was because her mind inhabited a human brain, and whether the structure of the brain actually did have an effect on how the mind functioned.He still felt entirely like himself, though. Still as whip-smart and ambitious as ever. Von Yipp needed to find a way to reveal himself as a cat to his colleagues, one that would impress and intimidate, and he was just as driven to succeed in this endeavor as he’d ever been. Until then, they had to continue pretending everything was normal.Which was why the little things Mauczka refused to do bothered him so much. They had a long road ahead, and even the smallest missteps could cost them.在随后的几周里，冯•易普艰难地适应着猫的生活。他感觉自己渺小无力，活着全靠另外一个体量巨大但智力低下的个体好心恩赐施舍。作为一名大学教授，这种感觉并不新鲜，只是现在被放大了许多。“Your nails are filthy and disgustingly long,” he hissed. “You have to cut them.”毛捷卡……依然还是只猫，不过她的注意力保持时间和小心谨慎的程度已经显著提升了。她学会了一些较难的科技术语。在冯•易普的帮助下，她辩解称自己奇怪的字迹是因为受了外伤，而每当学生答错问题的时候，她似乎总是很享受尖酸刻薄的说话方式。他有点好奇，她进步得这么快是不是因为她的心智进入了人类的大脑，是不是大脑的结构真的对心智的功能有影响？“Why can’t I just scratch things until the long parts fall off?”他倒是觉得自己完全没变。依然机灵敏锐，依然踌躇满志。冯•易普需要找机会将自己变成小猫的事实公之于同事，最好能让他们震撼惊愕，这是他的当务之急。为了制造这样的机会，他们必须继续假装一切正常。“Because human nails don’t work that way. You’d be left with a bunch of bleeding fingers.”所以每当毛捷卡不愿意配合的时候，他就很头疼。他们还有很长的路要走，而迈错任何一小步都将伴随着代价。“So I don’t cut them. No big deal.”“你的指甲太长了，又脏又恶心。”他发出嘶哈的猫叫。“必须剪掉。”Von Yipp struggled to think of a reason why Mauczka would have to cut them beyond “the students will complain to the dean about your hygiene soon,” as that didn’t seem to faze her. She had been just as reluctant to have her claws trimmed when they were in their original bodies, and treats were even less effective now that she could get them for herself. He was beginning to feel desperate.“我就不能挠个什么东西让多出来的部分自己脱落吗？”“You’ll... you’ll go to jail!” he blurted out.“人类的指甲没有那个功能。你要用力挠的话手指会出血的。”“Okay.”“那我就不剪。没什么大不了。”“You don’t want to go to jail. Your cat body would starve to death while you were gone.”冯•易普搜肠刮肚想找理由说服毛捷卡剪指甲，反正“再这样学生们就找院长投诉你的个人卫生了。”这种理由并不能打动她。她在原本自己身体里的时候就很不愿意被剪指甲，现在她能自己翻找小零食了，所以美食贿赂也起不了多大作用。他开始感到绝望。“I don’t know what jail is.”“你……你会进监狱的！”Von Yipp sighed. “Think of how much you hate it when I pick you up and hug you.”“好啊。”“Horrible,” she said with a shudder. She nodded at the machine, still taking up a considerable amount of space in the apartment. “The only thing I hate more is that harness.”“进监狱可不是好事。你进去的话，你的猫身体会饿死的。”“Jail is worse than the harness.”“我都不知道监狱是什么。”Mauczka rolled her eyes. “I will not go to jail. And if I do, I’ll just... wiggle out of it. Like I always do.”冯•易普叹了口气。“你回忆一下我把你抱起来搂在怀里的时候，你有多烦。”Von Yipp was getting a headache. “Jail is not something you can wiggle out of.”“太可怕了。”她打了个冷战。随后她冲着那台占据了巨大生活空间的机器努努嘴，“唯一能和那个匹敌的，就是这个束带。”“Sure it is.”“监狱可比束带更可怕。”“No!” he spat. “It’s not! You’ll go to jail for... not trimming your nails, and the wardens will give you food you don’t like—”毛捷卡翻了个白眼。“我不会进监狱的。如果我进去了，我就钻出来。像往常那样。”“So I’ll cry.”冯•易普的头开始疼了。“监狱可不是你能钻出来的地方。”“They won’t care, Mauczka!”“我能。”“You always cared when I cried.”“你不能！”他狠狠地说，“进去就出不来了！你要是……不剪指甲就得进监狱，狱卒给你的牢饭都是你不爱吃的——”“Because you’re a cat!”“那我就哭。”“So?” Mauczka asked flatly.“毛捷卡，他们不在乎！”“So you’re in a human body now! You’re not cute anymore!”“以前我哭的时候你都在乎的。”Mauczka gasped, eyes wide. Evidently this was a revelation to her. “I’m not?”“因为你是猫啊！”“No.”“那又怎样？”毛捷卡若无其事地问。“Because I’m in your...?”“你现在变成人类的身体了！你不可爱了！”“Yes.”毛捷卡猛抽一口气，瞪圆了双眼。一副恍然大悟的样子。“我不可爱了？”“So I can’t...?”“不。”“You can’t get away with whatever you want anymore.”“因为我进入了你的……？”Mauczka stared into the distance, brow furrowed in thought. Von Yipp wondered if he’d gone too far. But she needed to realize there were different rules for when you were cute and tiny and fluffy. You might be less powerful in some ways, but in other ways, you called all the shots.“对。”An interesting thought.“所以我不能……？”Mauczka walked over to the machine. Some parts of it were shiny enough that she could see her reflection—and she was not happy with what she saw. She pulled at her cheeks and frowned. “I’m... hideous! Change me back!”“你不能再为所欲为了。”Rude. But perhaps she finally understood what it meant to inhabit von Yipp’s balding, prematurely aged body. “I already told you that I can’t do that. We don’t have the proper crystals. So you have to listen to me if you don’t want to... to go to jail.”毛捷卡空洞的目光望向远方，眉头紧锁陷入思考。冯•易普觉得自己可能把话说重了。但她需要知道，当你又小又可爱又毛绒绒的时候，规矩是不一样的。或许你在一些方面不那么强大，但在另外一些情况下，你可以呼风唤雨。“Fine,” she huffed. “I’ll trim my nails.”有趣的对比。“And wash your hair.”毛捷卡走到机器旁边。其中一些部件很光滑，她可以看到自己的倒影——看了以后很不高兴。她拽了拽自己的腮帮，皱起眉。“我……太丑了！把我变回去！”“With water?! We didn’t agree to that!”无礼。不过现在她应该明白自己的状况了，她正在冯•易普秃顶且不再年轻的身体里。“我已经告诉过你了，我做不到。我们没有合适的水晶。所以如果你不想……进监狱的话，就一定要听我的话。”This was going to be a long night.“好吧。”她愤愤不平地说。“我剪指甲就是了。”“还要洗头。”A month and a half later, the dean’s calendar finally opened up. Mauczka and von Yipp went once again to her office, and let her coo over the cat body with the door firmly shut.“用水洗吗？！你之前可没说！”“I have heard some reports from your students,” Dean Svopalit said.今晚将会非常难熬。But Mauczka changed the subject. She and von Yipp had been rehearsing this speech for a full week now. “IhopeyouhaveseenthatIamcommittedtothisuniversity,” she said in one go. “AndnowIfeelthatIdeservethefundingforanewprojectofmine.” She took a deep, gasping breath. “Soifyouwouldbesokindastogivemeyourstampofapproval—”“Slow down, von Yipp. I have no idea what you’re trying to say.”Mauczka looked to von Yipp for approval. He gave her a small nod. “I... hope...” she began, going as slowly as she could, “you... have... seen... that...”“Enough.” The dean looked annoyed. “From your midterm reviews, it sounds like things are going reasonably well. A few complaints, but it’s just an intro-level class. No one really cares so long as there’s a warm body up front. It’s basically babysitting.” Von Yipp mewed his agreement. “Now. You’ve mentioned that you want funding for a new project.”一个半月过后，院长的日程安排终于又有空了。毛捷卡和冯•易普再次前往她的办公室，把门关严以后让她贴着小猫的身体宠溺了一番。Mauczka nodded.“你的学生向我报告了一些情况。”斯沃帕丽特院长说。“Perhaps that will be good for you,” the dean continued. “You’ve been tinkering for long enough on your ‘theory of the mind’ machine, or whatever you call it. I’m glad you’re finally admitting defeat. It was foolish to even attempt. In any case, you have the paperwork filled out? The grant proposals written?”但毛捷卡转移了话题。她和冯•易普已经把这段话练习了整整一周。“希望通过我近期的表现您已经看到了我对这所大学一心一意甘心奉献，”她飞快且连贯地说，“现在我拟定了一个新项目我觉得应当获得学校的资助。”她深吸一口气，险些窒息。“所以如果您方便的话请帮我在审批意见处填写同意并签字盖章——”Another meow from a fuming von Yipp, and Mauczka nodded again. They had been practicing writing, with Mauczka following the lines von Yipp made with his paw. She wasn’t good, by any means, but it was practically legible now. Even so, it had taken weeks to fill out the paperwork by hand, as the clacking keys of the typograph scared Mauczka and gave von Yipp migraines.“慢点，冯•易普。我根本听不懂你在说什么。”“And you’ve recruited the graduate students to work on it?”毛捷卡看了看冯•易普的脸色。他对她微微点头。“希望……通过我近期的表现……”她开始一字一句地慢慢说，“您……已经看到……”Von Yipp stared. Graduate students were not recruited until after a project had been approved. Historically, von Yipp had difficulty getting anyone to help him—something about his “abysmal track record” and how working with him was akin to “setting your resume on fire.” Clearly, Svopalit was trying to give him the runaround. Again.“够了。”院长看上去有点烦。“从你的中期评审来看，似乎进展还算顺利。有几次投诉，但只不过是入门级的课程。只要讲台上站个活人讲课，就没人在意具体的质量。根本就是保姆的工作。” 冯•易普发出喵喵叫表示同意。“那。你刚才说你有新项目需要经费。”“Uh...”毛捷卡点点头。“No grad students yet? Oh, well, I guess you’ll have to go find some.” Dean Svopalit smiled as she patted a thick stack of folders beside her. “But be warned, most of the good ones have already been taken.”“或许这是你的进步。”院长继续说，“你那个叫‘心智理论’还是什么名字的那个机器，已经耗费了你太长时间。我很高兴看到你终于承认失败了。你当初敢开题就很蠢。不说了，你的书面表单都填好了吗？经费申请书写好了吗？”心急火燎的冯•易普又发出几声喵叫，毛捷卡再次点头。他们练习了好久写字，毛捷卡跟着冯•易普的爪子画出线条。她的字迹无论如何也算不上好看，但现在可以让人看懂了。即便如此，用手填完所有表单还是花了数周的时间，因为印字机按键的声音让毛捷卡害怕，也震得冯•易普头疼。“你找到研究生助研了吗？”冯•易普瞪大了眼睛。研究生助研都是在项目通过审批之后的事。这么多年来，冯•易普一直都很难找到任何助手——因为他“垫底的履历”意味着参与他的项目几乎等于“把自己的简历扔进火坑”。显然，斯沃帕丽特是想折腾他一番。已经不是第一次了。Professor von Yipp did have an office at the university, technically. Technically, in that it was once a lavatory, but the pipes stopped working several years ago. It still smelled of sewage on hot days. And it was so small that it could barely fit a desk and a person in it at the same time. But it had his name upon the door, so it would do for now.“呃……”“还没找到研究生呢？噢，好吧，恐怕你至少要带上一两个了。”斯沃帕丽特院长微笑着拍了拍手边的一大叠档案袋。“我可要提醒你，最优秀的学生都已经被要走了。”严格来讲，冯•易普教授其实也是在大学里有一间办公室的。严格来讲，这里曾经是盥洗室，不过上下水管已经坏了好几年。天气热的时候这里依然有股臭味。这间屋子实在太小，只能勉强放得下一张桌子，坐下一个人。不过门牌上印了他的名字，所以暂时够用了。遗憾的是，他的办公室太小，如果加上第二把椅子的话，就没法关门，所以来面试的研究生只能做到走廊中间的椅子上。其他路过的人很容易踢到椅子腿，不过冯•易普不会因为这点小事劳神。相比之下他更讨厌这些条条框框和办事流程，也对院长的态度颇为不满，院长的刻意刁难完全是因为她觉得他的机器没用，但事实是他成功了。Unfortunately, the office was too small for the door to close when faced with the addition of a second chair, so the graduate student interviews took place with the chair in the middle of the doorway. The back legs were easily jostled by anyone walking past, but von Yipp would not let this inconvenience bother him too much. Not more than having to jump through this hoop in the first place, or the fact that the dean was operating under the completely false assumption that his machine hadn’t worked, when it had.“问她有没有过什么时候，完成实验的重要性高于遵守章程或者伦理准则。”他让毛捷卡问。这是面试过程中最重要的问题，而前两个应试者的回答全都很烂。“Ask her about a time when completing the experiment was more important than following protocol or ethical standards,” he urged Mauczka. It was the most important question in the interview, and all two of the previous interviewees had answered poorly.面前这名女学生皱起眉头，挪了一下坐姿，腿上摆放的纸卷发出摩挲声。“嗯，”她缓缓开口，目光掠过冯•易普的小猫脸，面露难色，“我可能得说……从未有过。不遵守章程的实验，得出的结果很容易遭到质疑，而我始终保持——”The young woman in front of him frowned and shifted in her seat, the scrolled papers in her lap rustling. “Well,” she said slowly, her eyes flitting up to von Yipp’s cat face with discomfort. “I suppose I’d have to say... never. An experiment that doesn’t follow protocol is one where the results can be easily called into question, and I strive to—”吧啦，吧啦，吧啦。剩下的内容无关紧要了。冯•易普已经判她出局了。但他还是让毛捷卡正常结束了面试，并友善地告诉她两周以后等消息。女学生耸了耸肩，似乎也不再感兴趣，最后起身离开。Blah blah blah, the rest of what she had to say didn’t matter. Von Yipp already knew she was out. But he had Mauczka finish the interview and kindly inform her that they would let her know within two weeks whether she had secured the position. The young woman shrugged, seemingly no longer interested, before she stood to leave.毛捷卡把下一份档案推到冯•易普面前。“这是最后一个了吧？我们什么时候去买甜糕？”说真的，他必须找个时间好好跟她讲讲食物的营养。他的人类身体已经开始显得苍白且消瘦，因为这段时间的饮食结构只以甜糕为主。Mauczka pushed the next file toward von Yipp. “This is the last one? Then we can go get pastries?” Really, he would need to have a discussion with her about nutrition at some point. His human body was beginning to look pallid and undernourished from eating a pastry-based diet.冯•易普扫了一眼文件。“不对啊。上面同时约了两个人。你就……让其中一个人明天再来吧。”Von Yipp scanned the page. “That can’t be right. It says we’ve double-booked. Just... ask one of them to come back tomorrow.”两双脚的脚步声从走廊尽头传来。两个男学生，其中一个脸很长，唇须浓密，另一个则留着大鬓角，端着一杯热气腾腾的茶。他们停在冯•易普门口。留唇须的学生瞥了一眼椅子。“我站着就好。”他粗声说着，示意另一个长鬓角的学生坐下。他坐下来，把茶杯放到冯•易普的办公桌上。Two sets of footsteps clambered down the hall. Two men, one with a long face and a thick mustache, the other with big sideburns and a mug of steaming tea, stopped in front of von Yipp’s door. The mustachioed one glanced down at the chair. “I’ll stand,” he said gruffly, gesturing for the man with the sideburns to take a seat. He did so, setting his mug down on von Yipp’s desk.毛捷卡看了看他们，“抱歉，我搞错了，同时约了两个人。你们谁——”Mauczka looked at them. “My mistake, I’ve double-booked us. Would one of you—”“没搞错，”坐着的学生面无表情地说。“You haven’t,” said the seated man, his face stony.“我们是一起的，不分开。”留唇须的学生淡淡地说，“雅卡布•巴塔戴尔，拿恰兹•巴塔戴尔。”他在他们二人之间比划了一下，示意自己是雅卡布，长鬓角的是拿恰兹。“We’re a package deal, we are,” the man with the mustache said lightly. “Jakubb and Natyaz Batadel.” He gestured between them as he spoke, indicating that he was Jakubb and the man with the sideburns was Natyaz.“啊，原来是兄弟俩。好吧，问问他们研究方向。”“Ah, brothers. I see. Well, ask them about their work.”巴塔戴尔兄弟介绍研究内容时很警惕——并不稀奇，因为大学生必须保护好自己的创意不被偷走。听起来他们还算有天赋。接下来，轮到真正的测试了。The Batadel brothers spoke guardedly about their studies—not unusual, since the university students had to take care that their ideas were not stolen. But they sounded talented enough. Now, for the real test.“跟我讲讲，有没有过什么时候，完成实验的重要性高于遵守章程或者伦理准则。”“Tell me about a time when completing the experiment was more important than following protocol or ethical standards.”兄弟二人交换了一下眼神。雅卡布清了清嗓子，但拿恰兹抢先发言。“我们曾经需要一个零件，整个皮尔特沃夫都找不到。所以我们就从别的地方搞来了。”The brothers exchanged a look. Jakubb cleared his throat, but Natyaz broke in to answer. “There was a part we needed that was not available anywhere in Piltover. So we went and got it elsewhere.”“听上去并没有打破什么章程。”毛捷卡按照冯•易普的意思答道。“That doesn’t sound like a breach of protocol,” Mauczka replied at von Yipp’s urging.“是炼金科技的零件。”雅卡布平静地说道。空气突然变安静了。“It was chemtech,” Jakubb said quietly. The words hung in the air.冯•易普眨了眨眼。炼金科技，祖安的特色，在皮尔特沃夫可不怎么……受欢迎。大学禁止了炼金科技，说是为了保证皮城的科学探索不受玷污。工程学部里已经有很多发明创造引起爆炸了，如果加上烈性的祖安炼金合剂，就会让本不稳定的机器变得更加危险。Von Yipp blinked. Chemtech, from Zaun, was... not well regarded in Piltover. It was banned from the university in order to keep Piltovan scientific endeavors unsullied. There were plenty of inventions in the department that exploded, but adding in volatile Zaunite chemicals would make already unstable machines even more dangerous.“他们拿炼金科技来做什么？”冯•易普把心里的问题说了出来。“What in the world did they need chemtech for?” von Yipp wondered aloud.毛捷卡复述了这个疑问，雅卡布耸了耸肩。“我们希望我们的发明只需要一人就能操作。我们当时想研究是什么让每个人独一无二，以及……一个人在保持自我的前提下能够承受多大程度的改变。”Mauczka asked the question, and Jakubb shrugged. “We were creating something that we wanted only one person to be able to operate. We were investigating what makes each person unique, and... how much a person can change while remaining themselves.”“啊。有意思……”“Ah. Interesting...”面试结束后，毛捷卡准备以标准的“等通知”收尾，但冯•易普阻止了她。“告诉他们，他们进组了。”At the end of the interview, Mauczka prepared to give them both the standard “we’ll be in touch” line, but von Yipp stopped her. “Tell them they’ve got the job.”毛捷卡看了看两兄弟，思考了片刻，拿恰兹又呷了一口茶。她盯着他的双眼问，“好喝吗？”Mauczka looked at the brothers, considering, as Natyaz took another sip of tea. She locked eyes with him and asked, “How is your drink?”他惊讶地眨了眨眼，放下了水杯。“好喝。”他说，“不过现在有点凉了。可能需要我——”He blinked in surprise as he put down the mug. “It’s good,” he said, “but it’s a little cold now. I’ll probably just—”毛捷卡依然目不转睛地迎着他的目光，缓缓将水杯推出桌子的边沿。水杯落地摔碎，茶水洒了一地。Without breaking eye contact, Mauczka slowly pushed the mug off the side of the desk. It fell to the ground and shattered, tea spilling all over the floor.这一出即兴发挥的测试让冯•易普来了兴致，他看着兄弟二人，看他们如何应对一名教授的奇怪行为。Von Yipp, amused by this impromptu test, watched the brothers to see how they’d respond to such behavior from a professor.雅卡布和拿恰兹都纹丝未动。Neither Jakubb nor Natyaz batted an eye.“你们进组了。”毛捷卡说。“You’ve got the job,” Mauczka said.雅卡布点了点头。“那请问……这是什么课题组？”Jakubb nodded. “And what... is the job?”“等审批通过以后我再详细说。”“I’ll tell you more when we get our approvals.”“The Batadel brothers?” the dean asked, annoyed. “They were nearly suspended last semester.”“But they weren’t.”“巴塔戴尔兄弟？”院长愠恼地问，“他们上个学期差点就被停学了。”“They were not allowed to sign up for the more advanced courses.”“但最后没停学。”“So they have more time than the average graduate student to work on my project.”“学校都不允许他们选更高级的课。”With a frustrated wave of her hands, Dean Svopalit tossed the Batadel files on her desk. “Fine. But you were supposed to have more information to me about this big project by now, von Yipp.”“这样他们就比其他研究生更闲，正好来帮我完成项目。”“I am working on typing up the abstract. It will be with you by...” Mauczka trailed off.斯沃帕丽特院长气馁地甩手，把巴塔戴尔兄弟的档案扔到办公桌上。“好吧。不过到了这个时候，你应该给我提供关于这个大项目的详细信息了，冯•易普。”“By when?”“我正在敲摘要呢。交给您看大概还需要……”毛捷卡走神了。She had been doing so well. Von Yipp, seated on Mauczka’s shoulder, was barely a word or two ahead of her, telling her how to respond to the dean, and she was getting so good at relaying his words almost exactly.“需要多久？”But he saw the problem immediately, as it was also becoming difficult for his new cat body to ignore. The sun was peeking through the gorgeous window that overlooked the nice side of campus. And every time the dean moved her hands, the sunlight reflected off the timepiece on her wrist. It was hard not to chase after the tiny dot of light, but he managed to contain himself. Mauczka, however, was thoroughly distracted.她这次表现得很好。蹲坐在她肩上的冯•易普基本上话音刚落就被她转述完毕，与院长的对话非常流畅，她已经非常擅长转述他的话了，几乎一字不差。The dean tried to follow Mauczka’s eyes to see what she was looking at, but quickly gave up. “You come into my office again and again, Andrej, to plead for funds for a project that will supposedly ‘change everything’, when we’ve all seen that’s past your capabilities,” she said in a low voice. “And you can’t even give me your full attention while you beg for my help.”不过他立刻发现问题了，因为他的小猫身体也难以忽视。办公室的大窗俯瞰着校园的景致，阳光洒进来，每当院长移动双手，她的腕表表盘都会反射到阳光。小光点实在是太吸引目光了，他勉强克制住了自己。不过，毛捷卡彻底溜号了。“I...” Mauczka tried to pull herself away from the bouncing light, but to no avail.院长顺着毛捷卡的目光看去，想知道她在看什么，但很快就放弃了。“安德烈什，你一遍遍来我办公室，要为所谓的‘改变一切’的项目申请经费，但我们都已经看到，你的能力实在是有限。”她压低声音说，“你甚至在求我帮忙的时候都不能全神贯注。”“You are... actually mad, aren’t you?” The dean stood and leaned over the desk menacingly, trying to make eye contact with Mauczka. “Because I can’t understand why you would waste my time and what’s left of my goodwill like this. I’m tired of funneling money into your ego-driven projects and seeing nothing come of it. Not usable data, not salvageable discoveries, nothing. And to top that off,” she said, raising her voice, “you insist on shrouding your ideas in mystery. You seem to think that the drama of the reveal is more important than proper oversight. I am here to tell you: It. Is. Not.”“我……”毛捷卡想要无视那个跳动的光点，但她做不到。Von Yipp could feel the growl begin in the back of his throat, and before he knew it, he had lunged, claws outstretched, toward the dean. Mauczka blinked back into reality just long enough to restrain him.“你是……真疯了吧？”院长站起来，气冲冲地趴到桌上，想要与毛捷卡四目相对。“我真是不懂，你为什么要浪费我的时间，践踏我所剩无几的善意。我已经不想再为你的自我陶醉买单了，你的项目是无底洞，拿不出成果，拿不出有用的数据，拿不出次要发现，什么都拿不出。还不止这些，”她又提高了调门，“你还总是对自己的创意遮遮掩掩。你是不是觉得你的惊艳登场高于我的合理监管？现在我告诉你：做美梦吧！”The dean sniffed. “I’ll need you to get rid of your cat.”冯•易普感到自己喉咙深处发出低吼，还没等他反应过来，身体就已经冲了出去，爪尖突出，扑向院长。毛捷卡清醒过来，勉强控制住他。“What?!”院长不屑地吭了一声。“你把这个猫处理掉。”“She’s cute, I’ll give her that. But you cannot seem to heed my rule about animals on campus, which is an outward sign of disrespect. And I will not tolerate it from you.”“什么？！”If von Yipp were in his human body, he would have started yelling or throwing things. This wasn’t fair. How was he supposed to show what he could do, to finally earn the respect of his colleagues, when he was stymied at every turn by an unwilling dean?“她很可爱，我承认。但你不能无视纪律往校园里带动物，这是明目张胆的狂妄放肆。而你的放肆我尤其忍不了。”He extended a single claw and scratched at her desk.如果冯•易普还在他的人类身体里，他现在就已经开始大喊大叫扔东西了。这不公平。他要展示自己的能力，赢得同事的尊敬，结果怎么处处都遭到院长的刁难和阻挠？“Keep your animal off my desk!” Svopalit shrieked as she lifted von Yipp’s cat body by the scruff of the neck. “This is an antique. It... it...”他伸出一只爪子，在办公桌上用力挠。The dean was silenced by what she saw.“别让你的猫挠我桌子！”斯沃帕丽特高声尖叫着提起冯•易普的后脖颈。“这张桌子可是古董。它……它……”Into the lacquered wood, von Yipp had carved:院长定睛一看，沉默了。I am v在木漆面上，冯•易普刻出了：He no longer cared if he gave the game away. So his colleagues would know what had happened, and he’d be laughed out of the university. Fine. At least the dean would have to go to work every day and see how wrong she was about him when she sat down at this desk. He knew what he was doing. His machines worked, and worked beautifully! How dare she talk about things she knew nothing about? Von Yipp was a genius. He knew it in his tiny cat bones.我是冫If only he had been able to finish writing his name!他已经不在乎自己是不是提前泄露秘密了。就让同事们都知道了吧，就让他在嘲笑中离开大学吧。行。至少院长每天来上班的时候，每天坐在这张办公桌前的时候，都会看到自己误解了他。他很清楚自己在干什么。他的机器成功运转了，而且效果完美！她怎么敢妄加评论她不懂的东西？冯•易普是天才。他身上每一根猫骨头都知道。She stared at it, and stared, and stared. “Von Yipp,” she said softly.要是他能把自己的名字写全就好了！A cloud moved in front of the sun, freeing Mauczka from the bouncing light’s beautiful tyranny. “Dean Svopalit.”她瞪着桌子上的字，瞪，继续瞪。“冯•易普。”她温柔地说。“You... didn’t tell me... that you were working on animal intelligence!” she squealed. “No wonder Mauczka’s been accompanying you everywhere.”一片云遮住了太阳。毛捷卡终于从小光点的美妙压迫之中解脱了。“斯沃帕丽特院长。”“Uh.”“你……怎么不告诉我……你研究的是动物智能呢！”她发出兴奋的尖叫。“难怪毛捷卡一直跟着你到处走。”“What else can she do?”“呃。”Von Yipp was taken aback by this sudden turn, but he’d be damned if he let it go to waste. “Mauczka, ask me what fifty-two times twenty-one is.”“她还有什么本领？”“Uh, Mauczka, what is fifty-two times twenty-one?”冯•易普被这突入起来的转折惊了一下，但他就算蠢死也不会浪费这次机会。“毛捷卡，问我五十二乘以二十一等于多少。”Taking pleasure in destroying the dean’s desk further, von Yipp carved 1092 into it. The dean gasped and clapped her hands.“呃，毛捷卡，五十二乘以二十一等于多少？”“Why, this is remarkable, Andrej! We’ve been trying and failing to enhance animal intelligence for years, but you...” She paused and looked at the human in front of her. “You’ve done something no one else could. And with a dramatic reveal, no less! I was... I was wrong about you.”冯•易普享受着肆意抓花院长办公桌的乐趣，在上面刻出了1092。院长深吸一口气，不停地拍手。She extended her hand for a handshake. Mauczka stared at it, unsure of what to do.“乖乖，太厉害了，安德烈什！我们许多年来都在尝试增强动物的智力，屡屡失败，可是你……”她停顿一下，看着面前的这个人类，“你做到了别人做不到的事。而且还是不折不扣的，惊艳登场！我……我低估你了。”“Shake her hand! You’ve seen me do it before.”她伸出一只手。毛捷卡呆呆望过去，不知道该做什么。Mauczka slapped her palm against the dean’s, still refusing to use her thumb to make a firm grip.跟她握手！你以前见过我怎么握手的。“Now,” said Dean Svopalit, nonplussed as she sat behind her desk once again. “Let’s talk funding.”毛捷卡把手掌平贴到院长手心，依然拒绝使用拇指握住对方的手。“那，”斯沃帕丽特院长略感迷惑，坐回到座位上说，“咱们可以谈经费的事了。”“Just like we’ve practiced. Hold the pencil, follow the movement of my paws, and replicate what I’m doing.”“I’ll try.” Mauczka had already lost several pencils under the bed, and von Yipp did not feel like fishing them out for her.“和我们练习的时候一样。握住铅笔，模仿我爪子的轨迹，复制我的动作。”It took hours of careful sketching, erasing, restarting... but eventually, Mauczka had produced a reasonable approximation of what they would need to build. Von Yipp looked at it with pride.“我尽量。”毛捷卡已经把好几根铅笔掉到床底下了，不过冯•易普并不想帮她掏出来。With her help, with the dean’s funding, with the Batadel brothers’ assistance... von Yipp would show them all what a real scientist could do. And these blueprints would be the first step toward making that a reality.经过好几个小时的描画、擦除、从头开始……终于，毛捷卡画出了一副能凑合看的设计草图。冯•易普满怀骄傲地看着。Cue the dramatic reveal.有了她的帮助，有了院长的经费，再加上巴塔戴尔兄弟的协助，冯•易普将向所有人展示真正的科学家的能力。而这些蓝图将是实现梦想的第一步。The Catastrophe Exosuit.惊艳登场，音乐起。Animal intelligence, indeed.救灾纾困机械护甲。这可真是，动物智能。