深呼吸 Deep Breath

他们认为祖安是失败者生活的地方。

They think Zaun is where the losers live.

他们当然不公开承认这个想法，他们会露出一口白牙，笑着拍拍我们的后背，告诉我们没有祖安就没有皮尔特沃夫的今天。我们的血汗工人！我们的繁荣贸易！我们的炼金科技让皮尔特沃夫人不屑一顾，但其实他们始终都求之不得！祖安是皮尔特沃夫文化中重要的一部分，他们口口声声地说。

They won’t admit it, of course – they’ll smile through their teeth and pat us on the back and tell us that Piltover would be nowhere without Zaun. Our hard workers! Our bustling trade! Our chemtech that everyone in Piltover pretends they don’t buy, except they constantly do! Zaun is a vital part of Piltover’s culture, they’ll say.

他们骗不过任何人。

All lies. Obviously.

他们认为祖安是白痴呆的地方。无法高攀皮城金色高塔的傻子才会留在祖安。

They think Zaun is where the idiots go. People too stupid to make it in Piltover’s golden towers.

比如我。

People like me.

我做微光酒贩子做好几个月，只为了攒钱申请赫洛兰家族的学工资格。我仔细研读了齿轮工厂里能找到的所有早已被翻烂了的书。我做出了一款关节机械原型，可以帮手腕骨折或者关节炎的病患恢复行动能力。我做了一切努力，只为能在皮城当个学工。我甚至闯到了最后的审查环节：与博斯威尔·赫洛兰面对面的机会。

I spent months dealing shimmer so I could afford to apply for Clan Holloran’s apprenticeship. I studied every crusty, dog-eared book I could find on gearwork machinery. I built a prototype gearbrace for people with broken or arthritic wrists that increased their mobility. I did everything I could have done to earn an apprenticeship in Piltover. I even made it to the final stage of the vetting process: a face-to-face meeting with Boswell Holloran himself.

他们说这是个礼貌性的环节。相当于是欢迎我进入家族。

They said it was a formality. Just a way to welcome me to the family.

他走进屋子，低头看了看我浸透灰霾的衣服，然后勉强挤出一声大笑。他说，“不好意思，小伙子，我们这不收地沟耗子。”

He entered the room, looked down at my Gray-stained clothes, and laughed a strangled, joyless laugh. He said, “Sorry, my boy – we don’t take sump-rats here.”

他甚至都没坐下。

He never even sat down.

所以我回来了。又给祖安添了一个白痴。

So now I’m back here. In Zaun. One more idiot.

灰霾在街道里翻滚，热情地欢迎我回家。平日的灰霾还算稀薄，不至于深吸一口气就咳出黏痰。但今天不一样，今天是我们所说的灰色预警。每下呼吸都让你喉咙发紧，胸中发烫，而且能见度不超过一臂远。我想要逃，可是无处可逃。灰霾似乎在慢慢向我逼近、把我踩在脚下，堵死我的口鼻。

The Gray rolls through the streets, welcoming me back. Most days, it’s thin enough that you can breathe deep without coughing up something wet. Today, though, is what we call a Grayout. You choke with every breath. Your chest feels tight. Can’t see much past your fingertips. I want to run, but I know there’s nowhere to run to. The Gray feels like it’s closing in on me, crushing me, smothering me.

这种时候我会向迦娜祈祷。

These are the times I pray to Janna.

并不是每个祖安人都相信她真的存在，但我妈妈一直都坚持信仰。她说在我出生那天，有一只青鸟盘旋在他窗前，于是她就知道，而且深信不疑，那是迦娜在告诉她，我会没事的。

Not everyone in Zaun believes she’s real, but my mother always had faith. She told me a bluebird hovered outside her window on the day of my birth, and she knew – she knew – it was Janna telling her I was going to be fine.

当然了，她错了。到头来还是出事了。几年前，我妈妈在一场地沟拳赛中死掉了，我仅靠着她留下的几枚银轮把自己养大。然后是孤儿的日常：交不到朋友。经常被欺负。我爱的男孩不爱我。努力学习，努力用头脑攀上皮尔特沃夫。白费。看来迦娜一定是把我忘了。

She was wrong, of course. I wasn’t fine, in the end. Couple of years ago, she – my mother – died while sump-scrapping, and I had to raise myself with the few gears she left me. Then, the usual: couldn’t make friends. Got beaten up a lot. Boy I loved didn’t love me back. Tried to study, tried to think my way up to Piltover. Couldn’t. Figured Janna had forgotten about me.

但我依然留着妈妈给我的护符：一件木雕，刻画的是她所看见的那只青鸟。我留着它就是为了面对这种时刻。

But I still keep the pendant my mother gave me: a wooden engraving depicting the bluebird she saw. Just in case of moments like these.

于是我直接坐在湿漉漉的地上，因为我已经懒得去找长凳了，然后我从衬衫里掏出了青鸟护符，然后开始对迦娜诉说。

So I sit on the wet ground because I don’t care enough to find a bench, and I take out the bluebird pendant I always keep tucked in my shirt, and I talk to Janna.

当然，并不会说出声，我可不想让周围的人以为我是被炼金物质烧坏神经的怪胎，但不管怎么说，我开始对她诉说。

Not out loud, of course – don’t need people thinking I’m some chem-burnt freak – but still, I talk to her.

我并不会向她索要任何东西。我只是向她讲述今天发生的事，还有昨天的事，还有我是多么害怕自己永远都无法成为有价值的人，害怕自己就这样死在齐膝高的地沟泥潭中，像我妈妈那样什么也没留下就撒手人寰，我时不时地想要跑到别的地方，让我可以呼吸，可以不这么害怕，不这么一直想哭，我多么痛恨爱哭的自己因为我总是很轻易就被人刺痛，我多想纵身一跃跳进地沟下面的炼金废水池，和妈妈团聚，沉溺在最深处，让废水灌满我的肺，这样一切就都可以结束了。我祝愿迦娜一切都好。我祝愿她幸福，无论她身在何处。

I don’t ask her for anything. I just tell her about my day, and the day before that, and how scared I am that I’ll never become anything worthwhile and that I’ll die down here knee-deep in the Sump with nothing to show for it just like my mother, and that sometimes I just want to run away somewhere I can breathe and stop being so frightened and not feel like crying all the time and how I hate myself for feeling like I want to cry because I have it so much easier than some other people, and how sometimes I think about throwing myself into the chem pools of the Sump, just throwing myself in with my mother where I’d let myself sink to the bottom and my lungs would fill with fluid because then it’d be over, at least. I tell Janna I hope she’s okay. I hope she’s happy, wherever she is.

这时我感到一阵微风抚过我的脸庞。虽然很轻，但我确定地感受到了她。很快，微风就开始吹乱我的头发，飘在我面前。风开始呼啸着加速，很快就开始把我的外套掀在空中，我感觉自己似乎身处于一场风暴的正中心。

That’s when I feel the breeze caress my cheek. Just a light flutter, but it’s there. Soon, I can feel it blow hair across my face. The wind whistles loud and fast, and soon it’s whipping my coat in the air and I feel as though I’m at the center of a maelstrom.

灰霾在我面前形成漩涡，被一股无处不在的微风托到上空。雾霾渐渐散去，我甚至可以看到缓台广场上的行人，他们也在看着风卷灰霾飘向远方。

The Gray swirls before me, pushed up by a breeze that seems to flow from everywhere at once. The fog slowly dissipates, and I can see other passersby on the Entresol level watching it float away.

风停了。

The wind stops.

霾散了。

The Gray clears.

我能呼吸了。

I can breathe.

并不只是短促的喘息，而是张开每一个肺泡的深吸气，吸满新鲜凉爽的空气。灰霾的帷幕被撤去，灿烂的阳光映着皮城的高塔洒进了祖安。

Not just small, cautious gasps, but deep breaths that fill my lungs with cold, fresh air. No longer veiled in Gray, the sun shines past the towers of Piltover into Zaun itself.

我可以清楚地看到上面的皮城居民，他们正在向下看着我们。没有了灰霾遮蔽视线，他们可以从高傲的拱桥和阳台上直接看到我们。我觉得他们并不喜欢眼前的景象。没人想要被时刻提醒着自己活在贫民窟之上，我看到了许多怨怒的眼神。

I can see the Piltovans above, peering down at us. Without the Gray clouding their view, they can see us from their lofty bridges and balconies. I don’t think they like it very much. Nobody wants to be reminded they live above a slum; I see a few scowls.

这时我又看到了他：博斯威尔·赫洛兰。他正托着一块甜糕，再次以同样的角度向下看着我。一脸嫌恶，和那个时候一模一样。

That’s when I see him again: Boswell Holloran. Holding a sweetcake in his hand, looking down at me again. An expression of disgust on his face, just like before.

我正在聚精会神地瞪着那张轻蔑的脸，甚至没有注意到身后有什么人，直到她把手放在我的肩膀上。

I’m so busy staring at his contemptuous face that I don’t notice the presence behind me until her hand is on my shoulder.

“没事的。”她说，我不需要回头看就知道一定是她。

“It’s okay,” she says, and I know without turning who it is.

她捏了捏我的肩膀，然后双手交叉绕到我的胸前，紧紧抱住了我。

She squeezes my shoulder, then kneels and crosses her arms in front of my chest, pulling me into a hug.

“一定会没事的。”她说。

“It’s going to be okay,” she says.

她的几缕头发垂到我的肩膀上，她的味道就像风雨后的芬芳。

Strands of her hair fall onto my shoulders. She smells like the air after a long rain.

“现在可能不顺。一段时间内你可能都不顺。但没关系的，总有一天，在你意想不到的时候，以你意想不到的方式，你会找到幸福。”她说。我的脸一阵温热湿润的感觉，我不知道什么时候开始潸然泪下，不过现在的我像乌云退散一样豁然开朗，我抱着她的双臂，她抱着我，一遍遍地安慰我，没事的，她在这，一切都会好起来。

“It might not be okay now. You might not be okay for a while. And that’s fine. But someday, without knowing exactly when or why or how it happened, you’ll feel happy,” she says. My face is warm and wet and I don’t know when I started crying but it’s a relief, like the clouds are clearing, and I hold her arms and she holds me, just telling me over and over that it’s okay, that she’s here, that things will be better.

我不知道她抱着我过了多久，但我就看到所有人都在目不转睛地看着我，从祖安的缓台广场，到皮城的居家阳台。

I don’t know how long she holds me, but soon I see everyone on Zaun’s Entresol and the balconies of Piltover above are staring.

还没等我说出任何话语，她先开口了，“别管他们。照顾好你自己。帮我这个忙，好吗？”

Before I can say anything, she says, “Don’t think about them. Just take care of yourself. Will you do that for me?”

我想要回答，但我只能用力点点头。

I try to speak, but instead I just nod.

“谢谢你。”她说着，亲吻了我湿润的脸颊，最后用力抱紧了一下。

“Thank you,” she says, and she kisses my wet cheek and gives me one last, quick squeeze.

她起身滑翔到我面前。我生平第一次看到真正的她——身材高挑、优雅缥缈，如果不是刚才她真切地抱住了我，我一定会认为自己看到的是幻觉。我看到了她长长的尖耳朵，双脚轻盈地浮在地面上空，秀发在静止的空气中随风飘动，湛蓝的双眼沁人心脾。

She rises and glides past me. For the first time, I see her in her entirety – a tall, ethereal figure that I would’ve assumed was from my imagination if she hadn’t just touched me. I notice her long, pointed ears. Feet that don’t touch the ground. Hair flowing in the wind, even right now when there isn’t any. Eyes so blue I feel a little cold just looking at her.

然后她冲我微笑，眨了一下眼，说，“接下来这一幕你会喜欢的。”

But then she smiles, winks, and says, “You’ll want to watch this next part.”

然后一阵突如其来的烈风刮过，急迫之势让我不得不遮住双眼。当我再次睁开眼的时候她已经不见了，但是风没有停。烈风向上扑向皮尔特沃夫和那边呆若木鸡的居民。

There’s a massive gust of wind, so fast and sharp I have to cover my eyes. When I open them again she’s gone, but the wind is still blowing. It blows up toward Piltover and its gawking citizens.

烈风呼啸着不断加速，皮佬们想要躲避已经太迟，大风掀起裙摆，拨乱头发。博斯威尔·赫洛兰惊恐地尖叫，狂风推搡着他翻身跌落阳台。

It whistles as it picks up speed and strength, and the Pilties run for cover but it’s too late, the breeze hits them full force, sending their frocks sailing and mussing their hair. Boswell Holloran shrieks in terror as the wind launches him off the balcony.

眼看他马上就要一落千丈粉身碎骨，但又一阵狂风向上迎着他吹去，他下落的速度立刻减缓，似乎风正在引导着他缓缓下落。但如果只看他的表现，你依然会以为他死定了。虽然他下落的速度相当于缓缓飘落的树叶，但是他尖叫的声音从头到尾没间断过。声音尖锐嘶哑。颜面尽失。

It seems as if he’s about to plummet toward certain death, but another gust of wind shoots up toward him, and his descent slows significantly, as if the wind is guiding him down. You wouldn’t know it to look at him, though. Even though he’s falling with all the velocity of a tumbling leaf, He screams the entire way down. Very high pitched. Very undignified.

他的衣服向上抽打着他的脸，最后悬浮在一个水洼上方数英寸处。

His clothes flap upward, smacking him in the face as he descends, until he’s hovering a few inches above a puddle.

“我——”他刚开口，风突然消失，他扑通一声一个腚蹲儿坐到了水洼里，身上的礼服套装肯定造价不菲，全泡汤了。他像落水狗一样狂吠，混杂着惊讶、痛苦和恼怒，像生气的小孩一样拍打起水花。他想要站起来，结果脚下一滑再次扑到水洼中。如果要我说实话，这时的他简直像个白痴。

“I –,” he begins, before the wind disappears altogether and he plops ass-first into the puddle, ruining what I assume was a very expensive ensemble. He yelps in a mixture of surprise, pain, and irritation, splashing around like an angry child. He tries to get to his feet, only to slip and fall back down all over again. If I’m being completely honest, he looks like an idiot.

我笑的喘不过气。

And I can’t stop laughing.