易碎的遗物 Fragile Legacies

作者：Dana Luery Shaw

那时的我年轻气盛，无所畏惧，心中燃着一团火，似乎散发出正义的光，驱逐一切顾虑的阴云，于是那天我第一次遇到了巴雷特•布维尔。

I was young and unafraid, heart aflame with the sort of righteousness that cast out all shadows of doubt, on the day I first met Barrett Buvelle.

他静静地守望在十四天前刚刚加冕的嘉文三世国王身边，传唤员高喊我的名字，我立刻大步走进英勇之厅。这两个年轻人都流露出了短暂的赞许——我知道自己在那个年纪很有吸引力，不过我尽全力收敛自己的美貌。这位年轻的国王神情疲惫，可能终日处理各个贵族家族的不满声音已经让他感到无聊。

He watched from beside the throne of the young King Jarvan III, crowned only a fortnight earlier, as I marched into the Hall of Valor as soon as my name had left the crier’s lips. Both young men seemed interested, briefly—I know I was attractive at that age, though I did everything in my power to quiet that beauty—but the young king seemed mostly bored and tired of dealing with discontent noble families.

嘉文没有立刻开口，而是等巴雷特在他耳边说了一句。我只能看到巴雷特的左侧轮廓，他的身体向国王前倾。当时是，一直都是。“乐斯塔拉•德莫伊舍，”嘉文的声音洪亮清晰，回荡在宽敞大厅四周的禁魔石和大理石壁间。“今日为何事而来？”

Jarvan waited for Barrett to whisper something in his ear before he continued. I could only see Barrett in silhouette on his left side, as his body was angled toward the king. As then, as always. “Lestara Demoisier,” Jarvan said, his voice strong and clear, echoing through the vast hall of petricite and marble. “What brings you here today?”

“为您的不作为。”

“Your failure.”

我记得，他们立刻来了精神。嘉文瞪大了眼，眉毛都顶到王冠里了。巴雷特也双目大睁，一只手紧紧按在国王的肩膀上。

That got their attention, as I recall. Jarvan raised his eyebrows until they disappeared beneath his crown. Barrett, eyes wide, put his hand around his liege’s shoulder in a tight grip.

“我不作为？”嘉文用半疑惑半打趣的语气问，“我在哪件事上不作为了？加冕仪式刚过去十四天，这期间我又能有多少作为呢？”

“My failure?” Jarvan asked with a mixture of confusion and amusement. “My failure in what? Not a fortnight ago was my coronation, what could I have possibly failed at since then?”

“你已经当了两个星期的国王，而你却仍未关心过治下的疾苦。”

“You have been king for a whole two weeks and you have not yet addressed the plight of those beneath you.”

他往上瞟了一眼，还以为已经猜透了我。这些天来肯定有过许多贵族小姐觐见国王，希望能提升自己和家族的地位，想必他早已厌倦了。“我不能毫无理由地册封德莫伊舍家族成员，同样的话我今天已经对其他的觐见者说过许多次，如果你用战功报效王国……”

He rolled his eyes, thinking he knew my mind. I am sure there were many girls in those days who petitioned the king, in the hopes of elevating their own status and that of their families, and he must have tired of it. “I cannot further ennoble the Demoisiers without cause, as I have told countless other petitioners this day If you serve your country well in battle—”

“我说的不是贵族。”

“I do not speak of the nobles.”

巴雷特第一次正脸面对我，他的脸上全是惊讶。我依然还记得他身上闪亮的铠甲，胸口正中央印着显赫的巴雷特家徽。辉光闪耀如钻石。如他的双眼。

Barrett turned to face me full for the first time with astonishment writ across his face. I still remember the gleam of his armor, stamped with the prestigious Buvelle seal right in the center of his chest. It shone like diamonds. Like his eyes.

“那你说的是……”嘉文好奇地问，“谁呢？”

“Then of whom,” Jarvan asked, curious, “do you speak?”

我等的就是他这句提问。我清了清嗓子，因为我接下来要说很长一段。我先是从衬衫上解下项链，露出了光照者的烛火标志。“你的子民。”我用尖酸的音调说，“德玛西亚境内有许多人，无家可归，无业可营，而你对他们视而不见，毫无作为，全部时间都只拿来给贵族家庭调节纠纷。有许多善良、诚实的人，他们只能露宿街头，或者溜进粮仓躲风避雨。如果你真的想让自己的王国变得更好，就必须把这些人放在首位……而不是那些已经衣食无忧的人。”

That was the opening I had been waiting for. I cleared my throat before continuing, as I knew I had much to say. I began by untucking my necklace from my blouse, revealing the lit-candle symbol of the Illuminators. “Your subjects,” I said, my tongue full of acid. “There are those in Demacia with neither home nor livelihood, and you have failed them in neglecting to provide it, even as you broker peace between the feuding nobility. There are good people, honest people who live in the streets, or slip into barns to get out of the rain at night, or go hungry for days on end because every scrap of food they collect goes to their children. If you truly seek what’s best for your kingdom, you will make them your priority... not those who already have more than enough.”

两个人都只有短暂的哑口无言，随后巴雷特突然捧腹大笑，笑声回荡在宫殿里，最后停留在我发红发烫的耳朵中。尴尬就像一块大石头噎在我肚子里。

There was only a moment of dumbfounded silence from both men before Barrett let out a full belly laugh that bounced off the walls and echoed through the throne room, finally settling into my burning red ears. The embarrassment sat in the pit of my stomach like a stone.

然后他向我走来了。我防备地向后退，但他走得飞快。他拿起我一只手，说……

He moved toward me then. I stepped back, wary, but he was fast. He took my hand in his and said...

好吧。很遗憾，他具体说了什么我记不清了。对于我生命中的某些时刻，我的记忆可以非常清晰，但其他时候又很模糊。总之他说的主要意思就是他会亲自督导一项计划，让所有处境艰难的德玛西亚人都居有定所。嘉文三世对他这位老朋友张口结舌，显然国王对他刚刚的承诺毫无准备。

Well. Regretfully, I can’t recall exactly what he said. My memory can be so clear about certain moments in my life, and so hazy with regard to others. The essence of it was that he would do what he could to personally oversee a project to house every ailing Demacian. Jarvan III gaped at his friend, as he had obviously not approved a single word of this man’s promises to me.

不过只要巴雷特把话说出口，他就会全力以赴地妥善完成。所以他只是对着儿时好友看了一眼，国王就点头同意了。“对这些人的救助工作早就应该进行了。”国王说道，他看我的眼神里多了份认同。“感谢你为我指出这个问题。我和布维尔大人会尽快推动计划的实施。”

But Barrett never said he would do something unless he meant to commit himself to doing it properly. So he merely looked at his childhood friend until the king nodded his assent. “There should have been assistance offered to these people long ago,” the king said, looking at me with new respect. “Thank you for bringing this discrepancy to my attention. Lord Buvelle and I will get started on these plans posthaste.”

满脸通红的我紧盯着自己被巴雷特牵着的手，他五指轻轻环住我的掌尖。虽然当时我还年轻，但我当然知道他是什么人，他是这位年轻国王的得力干将，他比任何人都更了解国王的内心。国王能为这个人出刀，国王更会为这个人挡刀。

Flushed, I stared at my hand in Barrett’s, his fingers gently encircling mine. I knew who he was, of course, even then. The young king’s right hand. The man who knew the king’s heart better than any other. The man for whom the king would kill, and the man for whom the king would gladly die.

“最让我痛心的是，我们居然等了这么久，”巴雷特•布维尔面带微笑地说，“才要开始做一件对你来说显而易见的事，乐斯塔拉•德莫伊舍。”

“It only pains me that it has taken us so long,” Barrett Buvelle said with a smile, “to do what was so obvious to you, Lestara Demoisier.”

这是我第一次听到他念我的全名。

That was the first time I heard him speak my name.

而最后一次是在六个星期以前。

The last time was just over six weeks ago.

我再也听不到他叫我的名字了。

And I will never hear him speak it again.I have been three weeks a widow, but still it has not felt... real.

Barrett’s absences, when he is called to minister to the soldiers, have always been long. Three months, usually. Kahina and I would sometimes visit him at the front, helping him distribute food and supplies and good cheer to the Demacians risking their lives on our behalf. But not often.

三个星期以前，我成了寡妇，但感觉还是不太……真实。

This time, it still feels as though he could walk back into our home at any moment, sorrow lacing his brow for what those young soldiers must go through, for the families they will leave to mourn them when they lay down their lives for their country.

每次巴雷特离开家，为士兵保障后勤，都要很久才回来。通常是三个月。有时我会带着卡欣娜去前线探望他，帮他分发食物和补给，慰问那些替我们冒着生命危险去战斗的德玛西亚士兵。但次数并不多。

He was a chaplain. He was never supposed to die in battle.

这一次，我总感觉他随时都有可能迈进家门，眉头挂满忧愁，为年轻士兵们的艰苦，和要承担丧子之痛的家庭而悲伤。

Barrett was not the only person to lose their life, of course. I am told that the battle was unwinnable. Even the Dauntless Vanguard fell before the might of Demacia’s enemies. Unthinkable, until it happened. How fitting that the place my husband and so many others died is known as the Gates of Mourning.

他是圣职者。战场上根本轮不到他牺牲。

He wanted to hold the funeral as soon as Barrett’s body was returned to us. I told Jarvan that he needed to honor the late High Marshal first, that he could not let his love for my husband cloud his duty to those who served him with their swords and souls. Truly, though, it is because I could not bear how dreadfully real it would all become.

当然，巴雷特并不是唯一的烈士。他们告诉我，那是一场不可能赢的战斗。就连无畏先锋都在敌人的武力面前受挫。人人都觉得那不可能，直到事情真正发生。我丈夫和其他许多人战死的地方被称为哀伤之门，真可谓实至名归。

But funerals cannot be put aside forever. Today, I must find the strength to say goodbye.The first four times Barrett asked me to marry him, I had said no.

国王打算等巴雷特的遗体运回以后立即举办葬礼。我告诉嘉文他需要先哀悼死去的元帅，他对我丈夫的爱，不应遮蔽他对其他人的责任，何况那些都是用自己的剑和灵魂尽忠职守的人。但其实，真正的原因是我无法忍受那种可怕的感觉——葬礼一办，他就真的死了。

“Why,” I asked, pained for him, “would you keep asking when my answer remains the same?”

但葬礼是不可能一直推迟下去的。今天，我必须找到说再见的力量。

“It is precisely because your answer remains the same that I must keep asking,” Barrett said with that patient smile I had come to love so deeply in the years since we had first met. He had led me to the gardens beside the palace, with the clear sky and the lilies dancing in his eyes. A more romantic setting than the first three, I admit.

“You know why I cannot accept.” I had promised myself from a young age that I would join the order of the Illuminators to help those in need, giving them shelter, providing food and work, listening to their stories, perhaps even learning some of the healing arts to help ease their pain. The Illuminators seemed to truly embody the values I had been taught as a Demacian, and all of my time spent with them had opened my eyes and my heart to the idea of a lifetime of service. And while there were lay Illuminators who were able to balance their good works with the needs of a family, those who dedicated their lives fully to the order lived a monastic existence and did not marry. This had been my intention.

巴雷特对我的前四次求婚，都被我拒绝了。

“Indeed I do.” Barrett understood this about me, through our many conversations about injustice and how it could be corrected. But he had never given up on the idea that love could conquer all, even a stubborn girl’s desire to do good.

我为他痛心，我问他，“我的回答是不会变的，你为何还求问不止？”

And his persistence, not just in asking for my hand but in consistently showing me through his deeds that his love for me was true, was beginning to wear on my determination. For I had come to love him as well—accidentally on my part, though through no small effort on his—and each refusal I made weighed heavily on my heart. It was all too easy to see the beautiful life I could lead with this man if only I allowed it.

“就是因为你的回答不变，所以我才必须不断求问。”巴雷特微笑着说。自从我们多年前的初次相见，这个耐心的微笑已经让我深深喜爱。那一次他带我去了王宫旁的花园，蓝天和百合花都在他清澈的眼睛里跳舞。必须承认，铺垫得比前三次更浪漫。

“你很清楚我为什么不能答应。”我年轻时就曾对自己承诺，我要加入光照者教团，帮助那些困苦中的人，为他们提供食物和工作，倾听他们的故事，或许还能学习一些疗愈的手段，为他们缓解疼痛。光照者似乎真正代表了我作为德玛西亚人所受过的那些价值教诲，而我与他们共同度过的这段时间，敞开了我的眼界和心扉，让我决定毕生服务于公义。虽然光照者也有世俗成员，可以兼顾工作与家庭，但那些终其一生为教团奉献的人，则过着持戒修行的生活，不婚嫁。这也是我的打算。

“我很清楚。”巴雷特是知道的，我们曾多次讨论过何为正义以及如何匡扶正义，其间提到过我的这个打算。不过他始终都相信爱能征服一切，甚至可以征服一个固执姑娘的行善愿望。

而他的坚持已经开始消磨我的决心，不仅在于坚持对我的追求，而且也在于不断地通过行动向我展示他对我的爱是真挚的。我也开始对他产生爱慕——就我个人而言是一场意外，就他而言则是一场艰苦的试炼。所以每次拒绝都让我的心愈发沉重，不难想象，我可以和这个男人一起过上美满的生活，只要我放任自己。

我双手颤抖，眼里燃着火转身远离他。“你得另觅贤妻了，巴雷特，不然所有善女子都将名花有主。”

My hands shook and my eyes burned as I turned from him. “You need to start looking elsewhere for a wife, Barrett, or all the kind women will have made their match already.”

“我非你不娶。”

“I will not marry if it cannot be to you.”

“你的家族不会同意的。”我苦笑一声。以我所见，布维尔家族必要逼迫巴雷特早日成婚，希冀为家族诞下继承人。

“Your family will never allow that to happen,” I said with a mirthless laugh. There was no future I could foresee in which the Buvelles did not force Barrett to marry, if only to sire an heir.

“你爱我吗？”

“Do you love me?”

“我当然爱你。”

“Of course I do.”

“那你是否相信我爱你？”

“And do you trust that I love you?”

“我相信。你已经表现得很明确了。”

“Yes. You have made that quite clear.”

“那我再明确另一件事。”他停顿了一下，“我希望在说的这件事的时候我们能……看着彼此。如果可以的话。”

“Then let me be clear about something else.” He paused. “I would appreciate if we could speak on this while... looking at one another. If that would be all right.”

我摇了摇头，因为我知道如果自己现在看着他，一定会潸然泪下。

I shook my head, knowing that if I looked at him right now, I would burst into tears.

“也好。”我听到他深呼吸了几次，可能是在活动肩膀，想要放松下来。“我的家族在过去几百年里聚集了很大一笔财富和势力。如果你想要的话……我可以把这一切都投入到你心心念念的善事之中。救助德玛西亚的人民。全体人民。”

“Very well.” I could hear him take a few deep breaths, presumably rolling his shoulders and attempting to relax. “My family has amassed a great deal of wealth and influence over the centuries. If you were to ask it of me... I would dedicate all of it to the good works you wish to do. To support the people of Demacia. All of them.”

我顿时屏住了呼吸。布维尔家族的全部财富，用于救济穷苦之人？即便我在光照者中发挥再大的作用也无法与之相提并论。

My breath caught in my throat. The entire Buvelle fortune, dedicated to the benefit of the less fortunate? That would go far beyond anything I could hope to achieve with the Illuminators.

我猛然转身，突然怒不可遏，因为他这是在用金钱收买婚姻。“但条件是我同意嫁给你吗？你这可不是什么光荣的善举，巴雷特，你这是在威逼利诱。”

I wheeled around, suddenly incensed that he would put a price on my acceptance. “But you would not do this if I refuse to marry you? That does not make you an honorable man, Barrett, it makes you a conniver.”

巴雷特对我困惑地眨眨眼，“我什么时候说条件是你要嫁给我了？我需要的，只是你向我提出请求。我只是想要你的指引，帮我看清楚自己如何才能做出最大的善举。”

Barrett blinked at me in confusion. “When did I say that you would have to marry me for such a thing? All I require to do it, is that you ask it of me. That you guide my hand, help me to understand where I could do the most good. ”

我望着她，刚刚的所有愤怒都如烟云消散。巴雷特刚刚把自己的一生许给了我，不设条件。而他说出的话就是他对自己最强的约束——只要说到，就要做到。

I stared at him, all of my anger dissipating like smoke. Barrett had just committed his life to me, while requiring nothing from me. And his word was truly his bond—if he said it, he meant to do it.

怎么会有这样的人？

How could any man be like this?

他再次露出微笑，眼神中满是温柔和爱意。“不过我要承认，如果有你相伴，我会更开心。”

He smiled again, gentle, with love in his eyes. “But I admit that I would enjoy it better with you in my life.”

于是他第五次向我求婚。

And so he asked a fifth time.

这一次，我愿意。

And this time, I said yes.At my request, Jarvan III had held a funeral for the High Marshal first, with citizens and soldiers coming in from all across Demacia to watch the late Purcivell Bronz be interred with the other heroes in the Hall of Valor. The streets had been lined with mourners, and Bronz had been sent off with much respect from the people he had served.

The city is not large enough to contain all the people who have come to mourn my husband.

在我的要求下，嘉文三世首先举行了元帅的葬礼，市民和士兵们从德玛西亚的四面八方赶来，见证烈士珀西维尔•布朗兹进入英雄先烈的殿堂——英勇之厅。街边沾满了吊唁者的队列，布朗兹曾经保护过的那些人民，此刻正怀着崇高的敬意为他送行。

The inns are filled. There are thousands of tents outside the walls, filled with those whose lives have been touched in some way by my husband’s good works. The funerary march has changed routes twice, winding through the streets and around the walls, so that all have the chance to touch his casket and weep.

雄都的面积不足以容纳所有前来追悼我丈夫的人。

The only thing keeping me grounded are the hands of my girls, one on each side, gripping mine steadily. I can feel their heartbeats through their palms, reassuring me that they are both alive and well and here.

酒馆全都客满。城墙外搭起了数千顶帐篷，帷帐之下的那些生命全都或多或少地受到过我丈夫的恩惠。送葬的游行两次改道，在街道和城墙之间蜿蜒迂回，以便让所有人都有机会触碰他的棺椁，为他落泪。

Usually the throne room is filled with all of the mourners who have come to pay tribute to the fallen, but the king has had to be selective with those allowed in today. He has generously offered that the Hall of Valor be open to the public for the next week, but today it is a smaller crowd within. I recognize nearly all the faces, though I would not call most of them friends.

把我留在原地的原因只有一个，是为了我的两个女儿，她们一左一右握着我的手。我可以通过她们的掌心感触到她们的心跳，这平稳的心跳在安慰着我，告诉我她们两个都好好地待在我身边。

Nobles. Highborn. Important political figures.

通常，前来吊唁烈士的人会挤满王宫，但今天国王不得不进一步限制人数。他慷慨地将英勇之厅向公众开放一个星期，但今天里面只有一小群人。我几乎认得所有面孔，但并非所有人都称得上是朋友。

Jarvan has allowed, at my behest, an Illuminator to lead the service. Mistress Myrtille, a renowned healer and a mentor to my daughter Kahina, recites out the familiar poesy:

权贵。望族。政要。

A flame that once burned brightly has been doused.

在我的请求下，嘉文允许由一位光照者成员主持仪式。莓缇尔嬷嬷，一位著名的治疗师，同时也是我女儿卡欣娜的导师。她开始背诵那段熟悉的诗歌：We mourn its light, the warmth it gave us.曾经耀眼的火焰已然黯淡。But though all we see is the smoke,追忆其光明，缅怀其温暖。Remember that no light ever truly goes out.纵然只留下余烬灰烟，Not when it has enkindled others但真正的光永不熄灭。To shine brightly, to burn with passion.照亮他人，星火相传，Their warmth is in others, and their light still burns光辉闪耀，倾情炽燃。As long as we honor their spark that we each hold.温暖继续传递，光明依然璀璨，The words do not bring comfort, but they are easy to say after decades of repetition, and so I say them.

生者心存火种，英魂永续信念。

I must admit, I do not pay close attention to the service. Instead, my eyes continue to wander to the cinerarium. Barrett’s armor has been refashioned to hold his ashes, as is the custom for all those who die in battle. I can picture him in those gleaming pauldrons, though I cannot imagine him inhabiting it now. It appears far too small to hold the man I knew, now. Perhaps he is not in there at all.

这些话语并不能带来慰藉，但数十年来的反复诵读已经太过熟悉，于是我跟着一起背诵。

It feels as though no time has passed, yet it is time for the eulogies.

必须承认，仪式上的我有些涣散。我的眼神总是游移到骨灰瓮那里。巴雷特的盔甲经过了改做，用于盛装他的骨灰，所有战死沙场的战士都是如此。我仿佛还能看见他披挂着那副闪亮的肩甲，但我无法想象他就在里面。如今那副铠甲已经缩小了太多，不可能装得下巴雷特。或许他根本就不在里面。

“Lord Buvelle was a great Demacian.”

我没有感觉到时间的流逝，但已经到了宾客致词时间了。

“A skilled warrior.”

“布维尔大人是德玛西亚的伟人。”

“Humble servant of the crown.”

“武艺精湛的战士。”

“A safeguard of tradition.”

“王权的忠实仆人。”

My face flushes red with anger. Barrett hadn’t fought in a battle in nearly thirty years, and he was more interested in aiding the Demacian people than in “safeguarding” the traditions of the noble families. Most of the people who stand to speak, do so as if they have never met Barrett, only heard of him from afar, even though I know many of them saw him nearly every day. How could they know him so little?

“礼教良俗的坚守者。”

Yet none of these accolades feel more false than those offered by Eldred of the Mageseekers.

愤怒令我面目赤红。巴雷特已经将近三十年没有上过战场了，另外他更乐于帮助德玛西亚的平民，而不是坚守贵族的“礼教”。大多数站起来致词的人，都如同从未见过巴雷特一样，道听途说、夸夸其谈。不过我很清楚，他们之中很多人都几乎天天与他见面。他们怎么会对他如此陌生？

“Lord Buvelle was, at his core, dedicated to ridding Demacia of its worst ills.”

然而最莫名的赞美之词，出自搜魔人兵团的埃尔德雷德。

Eldred was no friend to my husband in life, yet he speaks as though he knew Barrett’s heart. And even though I know Barrett was indeed committed to improving Demacia, it is not in the way that Eldred means to imply.

“布维尔大人的内心，致力于根除德玛西亚最凶恶的顽疾。”

My husband was never fearful of mages. Indeed, we both unknowingly welcomed one into our home and our family, and we would never allow her to be taken from us. Sona, our adoptive daughter, sits beside me today, her tears falling silently as she averts her gaze from the Mageseeker.

埃尔德雷德并不是我丈夫生前的朋友，然而他的语气却像是对巴雷特了如指掌。虽然我知道巴雷特的确一心想让德玛西亚更美好，但可不是埃尔德雷德暗有所指的那个意思。

“He saw the horrors that threaten to devour Demacia from within, and he dedicated his time and efforts to supporting organizations that would eat away at that rot,” Eldred says with an eelish smile. “And his support meant the world to those of us whose lives revolve around securing Demacia’s future.”

我的丈夫从来都不惧怕法师。说真的，我们两个还在不经意间把一名法师接纳进了家门，成为了家人，而且我们永远都不允许别人把她夺走。娑娜，我们的养女，今天坐在我旁边，她无声地落泪，目光躲避着那个搜魔人。

It stings to hear my husband so misrepresented.

“他看到了从内部瓦解德玛西亚的恐怖威胁，于是他献出时间与力量，支撑起一个庞大的组织，吞食那朽烂的根。”埃尔德雷德带着冷血的笑容说道，“保障德玛西亚的未来关系到许多人的生计，对于他们来说，巴雷特的支持就相当于全世界。”

Jarvan III is the last to speak before the family. He catches my eye from the dais, still clutching Barrett’s ragged blue tabard, and speaks his words directly to me.

这简直是对他的诋毁，听得我字字刺耳。

“Barrett Buvelle was as a brother to me. Without him... I would not be the man I am today. The leader I am today. I am not ashamed to say that I would be a more thoughtless man. A more reckless man. A man who could love deeply but struggled to put that love into word or deed. But his friendship changed me, helped me be the husband and father and king that I am today. Barrett touched the soul of every person he met, and made them better for it.”

嘉文三世是最后致词的宾客，随后轮到家人。他在讲台上与我对视，手中依然抓着他破旧的蓝色战袍，每一句话都是直接对我说的。

“Finally,” Sona signs to me, “someone is speaking of Father as he actually was.”

“巴雷特•布维尔是我的兄弟。没有他……就没有今天的我。作为领袖的我。毫不夸张地说，我可能会成为一个更草率的人，更鲁莽的人，一个可以深爱，却不知如何用话语和行动去表达的人。但他的友谊改变了我，帮助我成为今天的样子，成为丈夫、父亲和国王。所有遇见巴雷特的人都曾被他打动，也因他成为了更好的自己。”

It’s true. I knew that if anyone would do so today, it would be Jarvan.

“终于，”娑娜用手势对我说，“有人说出了父亲真正的样子。”

“That he has been ripped away from us, when he had so much more to give this world, is simply unbearable. He was not a man for whom war was easy, but he was a man who made war easier by giving freely of his time and love to the Demacians who fought for their country. And for it... for this love, for our country and our countrymen, he was stolen from us.

的确如此。我一直就知道，如果有谁真的懂他，必定是嘉文。

“So I swear, by the swords of the Winged Protectors, that I will hold responsible those who took him from me. From all of us. If it takes me a lifetime, so be it, for my love for him did not die with him. It will die with me.”

“他明明还有未竟之事，还要带给这个世界更多美好，却被迫与我们分离，此情此景让人不堪其重。战争对于他来说从不是轻松的，但他却让战争变得略微轻松些，他慷慨地献出自己的时间和爱心，为德玛西亚的战士们分担重负。我们失去了他，失去了他的爱，这是王国的损失，是人民的损失。”

It feels as though my heart has been plunged into ice water. The king stares at me for another moment before nodding very slightly, the way Barrett used to when he made a promise. I realize that he believes this is what I want, too.

“所以我发誓，以两位飞翼保护神的利剑为证，我一定要让夺走他的人付出代价。他是我的珍宝。是我们所有人的珍宝。如果要花一辈子的时间，那我就花一辈子，因为我对他的爱至死方休，不是他的死，而是我的死。”

我感觉自己的心被浸入了冰水。国王注视了我片刻，向我微微点头，那是巴雷特许诺时的习惯。我意识到，他以为这也是我想要的。

大厅里掌声雷动，反复回荡以后更加震耳欲聋。整个大厅里都是嗜血的人，都想派出更多德玛西亚士兵去赴死……可是为了什么？复仇？虚伪的正义？

Applause rocks through the room, echoing and echoing and growing louder. The whole hall is filled with bloodthirsty people, willing to send more Demacians to die for... for what? Revenge? False justice?

This is not what Barrett would have wanted.

这不是巴雷特愿意看到的。

Before I know it, Kahina is helping me stand, gesturing toward the dais. She looks at me with those same piercing eyes her father had and offers a quick smile. “You can do this, Mother,” she signs to me. “I am here for you.”

“We both are,” signs Sona. My sweet girls. Two gifts that my husband and I were able to give each other, and the world.

还没等我反应过来，卡欣娜已经开始扶我站起来，示意我站上讲台。她看我的眼神和她父亲一样锐利，她对我轻轻微笑。“你能做到的，母亲。”她用手语对我说，“有我在呢。”

My throat is raw, and my voice comes out as a ragged whisper. I cough and try again to limited success, but the din of the room has quieted.

“I do not have the words to tell you about how much my husband cared for the people of Demacia,” I say, willing my voice to remain steady. “Instead, I will do as he would have done, and show you.” I look around at the highborn people surrounding me, with the same fire in my words that I had the first time I had stood in this room. “I am donating the Buvelle residence within the Great City to the people of Demacia, in my husband’s honor. It will become a library, populated with our own private collection, for any Demacian to use at any time.”

“我们都在。”娑娜用手语说。我可爱的女儿们。她们是我和我丈夫给予彼此的礼物，给予这个世界的礼物。

A ripple of murmured shock spreads throughout the room. Other nobles do not allow the ordinary citizenry to peruse their book collections. Indeed, I imagine the thought that anyone could educate themselves to be distasteful to some. Barrett and I, however, first discussed the library years ago, and he loved the idea of providing for the Demacian people beyond the basics for survival.

It is the least I could do to honor him, especially when others tried to honor him so poorly.

我的喉咙干涩，声音颤抖而微弱。我咳嗽一下但并不管用，不过大厅安静了下来。

“Our daughter Sona has composed a song in memory of her father that she would like to play. Sona?”

Sona stands, her etwahl strung across her back, and trades places with me at the dais, where the etwahl’s wooden stand is already in place. As I sit beside Kahina once again, my husband’s cinerarium now in my arms, Kahina whispers in my ear, “He would have loved this. It is the right thing to do.”

“千言万语也说不尽我丈夫对德玛西亚人民的关怀。”我努力让自己的声音平稳，“所以，我要用实际行动完成他的心愿，让所有人看见。”我环顾身边的一众贵族，我眼中的火和我第一次来到此处时一模一样。“我将把雄都内的布维尔住宅捐献给德玛西亚人民，以此纪念我的丈夫。宅邸将被改造成图书馆，里面的藏书都是我们的私人收藏，任何德玛西亚人都可以在任何时间使用。”

“I know it is,” I say, and squeeze her hand as Sona plays the first few notes on her instrument.

It takes only six measures before her song has moved everyone within the Hall of Valor to tears.

大厅中激荡起惊讶的呢喃。其他贵族绝不会允许平民触碰自己的藏书。不难想象，任何人只要受过一些教育，就容易趾高气扬地俯视其他人。不过巴雷特和我早在多年前就曾讨论过图书馆的计划，他很高兴能够为德玛西亚的人民提供高于生存必需的精神食粮。

“It would only be for a few months,” the Illuminator finished breathlessly. “Would you be able to help sponsor the welfare of these children while they are in our care?”

Barrett and I looked at one another. “I think we can do a bit more than that,” Barrett said with a smile. “How many of these war orphans are there?”

这是我能为他做到的最基本的纪念，尤其在其他人的纪念如此苍白的时候。

“We are caring for nine, though two of them are ill and they might not last the week. One of them also doesn’t speak, and we aren’t sure yet if that’s something we can heal.”

“Can you spare one of your healers until they are well again?”

“我们的女儿娑娜想演奏一首她新谱写的乐曲，用以缅怀她的父亲。娑娜？”

“Well... yes, that should be doable.”

“Then bring them all here,” Barrett said, nodding. “We have the room and the resources to help these children, and you’ll be able to focus on finding them families to stay with long-term.”

娑娜站了起来，她的叆华背在身后，与我交换位置站到讲台前，叆华的木制琴架已经提前摆好。我坐回到卡欣娜身边，手中捧着丈夫的骨灰瓮。卡欣娜在我耳边悄声说，“他一定会很欣慰的。这么做是正确的。”

The Illuminator thanked us profusely for opening our home. We had never housed so many children before, and never from outside Demacia. But Demacians are not the only people in the world, which means they are not the only people worth helping when they are in need.

I remember Kahina became terribly excited, and she spent time researching Ionia with her tutors to see if there was any way we could make the children more comfortable. Any holidays we could celebrate together, things like that. Barrett and I did what we could to ready the rooms, and worked together to prepare an enormous first meal for them all.

“的确是的。”我说着，用力握了握她的手，随后娑娜开始弹出第一个音符。

When the children arrived, we realized that none of them spoke Demacian. So Barrett and Kahina took it upon themselves to find another way to communicate, one that involved a lot of pointing and hand gestures and facial expressions. I heard the house ring with laughter that evening.

But I wandered away when I heard music. I couldn’t think of where it could be coming from, so I followed it throughout the house, checking room by room to see what I could find.

只用了六个小节，她的乐曲就让勇之厅里的所有人都潸然泪下。

Then, I saw her. Sona. Her face so serious, playing an instrument three times her size, swaying in time with her own music. She started when I entered the room, but she didn’t stop playing.

It was the most beautiful music I had ever heard.

Barrett found me there, leaning back against the doorframe, sometime later in the evening. “Lestara? Is everything...” He lost his train of thought as soon as the music hit him.

All too soon, the small girl stopped playing and stared back at us with enormous eyes. Barrett and I exchanged glances. Then, he waved at the girl. Just a little wave, to say hello.

“只需要几个月，”那位光照者成员急匆匆地一口气说完，“您能不能帮我们暂时抚养这些孩子一段时间，我们会负责后续工作？”

She smiled, and her smile was as bright as the moon. She waved back shyly, then walked over and sat just in front of us.

“I think this is the girl they said couldn’t speak,” Barrett said gently.

巴雷特和我交换了眼神，“我觉得我们还可以更进一步，”巴雷特微笑着说，“这批战争孤儿一共有多少人？”

“I don’t think she needs to.” I remember feeling like I knew everything about her, just from listening to her play. It had felt like a conversation, one that went deeper than words.

Barrett looked back at me. After a moment, he smiled and gave me a small nod.

“我们收留了九个孩子，不过其中两人生了病，可能活不过一周。其中有一个不会说话，我们还不知道是否属于病症，是否有药可医。”

We hosted those nine orphaned children for about three months. Eight of them left.

Sona stayed.

“你们能否派出一位治疗师专门照看他们？”

The funeral reception is held in the gardens beside the Citadel of Dawn, among the lilies where I had said yes to Barrett’s offer of marriage and where we had finally sworn ourselves to one another as husband and wife. It feels like that was so long ago. It feels like it was yesterday.

My daughters sit beside me as we receive endless noble mourners. They keep me from drifting off too far into my own memories, though it is hard to stay rooted to the present.

“呃……可以，应该没问题。”

A young woman with a trained azurite eagle perched on her shoulder approaches. I immediately recognize her as the one who saved Barrett’s life a couple years ago, and lost her own brother in the battle. I stand and grasp her hands tightly between my own. “Thank you, Quinn,” I whisper, “for giving me two more years with him.”

She blushes, embarrassed. “I... It was nothing.”

“那就把他们都带过来吧，”巴雷特点点头说，“我们有地方也有物资，可以救助这些孩子，而你们就专心为他们寻找收养家庭。”

“It was not nothing. It was everything. Please, if there is anything I can do for you, you only have to let me know.” I wait for her while she wrestles with whether she would like to tell me, if this is the appropriate time. “Please. I want to help you, any way that I can.”

It takes some coaxing, but finally Quinn comes to her point. She aspires to become a knight, and asks haltingly if I would speak to the newly appointed High Marshal on her behalf. “Of course,” I tell her as I stand. She and my daughters both begin to say that I do not need to go right now, but I am quietly happy to have something else to think about today. Something to do.

那位光照者对我们的帮助深表感谢。我们此前从未收留过这么多孩子，更是从未收留过德玛西亚外面来的孩子。但这个世界上不只有德玛西亚人，所以无论是从哪里来的人，在需要帮助的时候就应该得到帮助。

Tianna Crownguard has not approached me and my daughters yet. Instead, she stands beside her betrothed and listens to him speak with nobles from other houses about his hopes for expanding the Mageseekers. None of them look particularly interested, but a Crownguard’s presence makes Eldred’s words worth listening to, I suppose.

Both Crownguard and Eldred turn as I approach and offer their own condolences. She even embraces me, as though she is not part of the reason my husband is dead. “Tianna,” I say after she has let go of me, “there is a young woman over there, Quinn, who wishes to speak with you.”

我还记得卡欣娜当时特别兴奋，她和几名家庭教师研究了好一段时间艾欧尼亚，想尽量让那些孩子安心舒适。例如有没有可以共同庆祝的节日，还有类似的研究。巴雷特和我尽量准备出了房间，还一起置办了一桌丰盛的欢迎宴。

“My dearest Lestara, today of all days you should not have to worry about serving others,” she says. “Let others serve you, for once.”

“If you are offering, then I would like to suggest that the best way you could serve me would be by speaking to the young woman. She saved Barrett’s life, once.”

那些孩子们到了以后，我们才意识到他们全都不会说德玛西亚语。于是巴雷特和卡欣娜绞尽脑汁想办法与他们交流，使用了许多指指点点、比比划划、还有挤眉弄眼。那晚，整座房子都回荡着欢笑。

Crownguard purses her lips, shamed. She had been the sword-captain of the Dauntless Vanguard during the battle of the Gates of Mourning three weeks earlier, but she’d had to resign in order to stand any chance of being named the next High Marshal. It was her Vanguard who had failed to keep my husband safe, failed to keep Purcivell Bronz safe. How she had been given a higher command, I cannot pretend to understand.

不过我突然听到了音乐声，不知不觉地走开。我想不出哪里会传来音乐，于是循声在房子里寻找，挨个屋子查看。

然后，我看到了她。娑娜。她的表情是那么严肃，演奏的乐器是她身高的三倍，跟着节奏摇摆着身体。我进屋的时候她惊了一下，但并没有停止演奏。

那是我听过的最美妙的音乐。

后来，巴雷特找到了靠在门框旁的我。“乐斯塔拉？没出什么……”他听到音乐立刻忘记自己要说什么。

乐曲结束得太快，那个小女孩停下手，瞪着一双大眼睛看向我们。巴雷特和我交换了眼神。然后他对那个小女孩招招手。幅度很小的招手，只是向她打招呼。

她笑了，她的微笑像皎月般明亮。她害羞地挥手回应，然后走过来坐在我们面前。

“我估计这就是他们说的那个不会说话的孩子。”巴雷特轻声说。

“我觉得她不需要说话。”我还记得当时的感觉，我似乎懂她的一切，听她演奏就像是在同她交谈，而且比任何语言都更深入。

巴雷特回应我的眼神。片刻后，他微笑着对我点点头。

那九个孤儿在我们家里住了大概三个月。最后送走了八个孩子。

娑娜留下了。

葬礼迎宾处设在黎明城堡旁边的花园，这里的百合花见证了巴雷特最后一次求婚，以及我们的婚姻誓言。感觉已经过去很久。感觉就在昨天。

我的女儿们坐在我身边，我们一起迎接数不清的贵族吊唁者。她们一次次把我从回忆的深渊里拉出来，但现实总是让我无法自持。

一个年轻女子走过来，她肩膀上蹲着一直蓝岩猎鹰。我立刻认出来她是几年前巴雷特的救命恩人之一，当时她的兄长不幸战死。我站起来紧紧握住她的双手。“谢谢你，奎因，”我小声说，“你把我和他共度的时间延续了两年。”

她不好意思地红了脸。“不……您太客气了。”

“我不是在跟你客气。我是认真的。如果有什么我能帮你做的，请你一定要告诉我。”我看着她纠结犹豫，不知自己是否该说出口，不知在这个时间是否合适。“请说吧。我想帮你，只要是我能做到的。”

奎因委婉地兜了几个圈，但最后说出了重点。她想成为一名骑士，支支吾吾地问我是否可以帮她向新晋委任的元帅自荐。“当然可以。”我立刻站了起来。她和我的女儿们立刻说我不必现在就去，但我很高兴能在今天考虑一些别的事情。能做点什么。

缇亚娜•冕卫还没有过来慰问我和女儿们。她反倒是站在未婚夫的身边，听他同其他贵族讲述自己扩编搜魔人军团的期盼。那些人看上去并不十分感兴趣，但有冕卫家的人在场，大概就让埃尔德雷德的话值得一听了。

见我走近，冕卫和埃尔德雷德转过身向我致意。她甚至拥抱了我，就好像我丈夫的死与她无关一样。“缇亚娜，”我等她放开手以后对她说，“有一个年轻女子，奎因，她想找你说句话。”

“亲爱的乐斯塔拉，今天这个特殊的日子，你就不要再帮助别人了，”她说，“让别人也帮帮你吧，哪怕一次。”

“如果你想帮我的话，那我想冒昧地请你同这个女子说几句。她可是曾经救过巴雷特一命。”

冕卫皱了一下嘴，羞愧难当。三个星期以前的哀伤之门战斗中，她担任无畏先锋的剑尉长，不过她不得不辞去职务，才能有机会提名参选下一任元帅。在她的指挥下，先锋团没能保护我的丈夫，没能保护珀西维尔•布朗兹。可她却就任了更高的职位，我无法让假装自己明白这是什么道理。

“我们择日再谈公事。”她冷漠地说。

“We will speak of business another day,” she says coolly.

I am not so easily deterred. “Certainly, Tianna. When?” She mumbles something about returning to the front within the week. “Then I shall have to pay you a visit in the next few days, my dear. Tea?”

我可没那么容易被打发。“可以啊，缇亚娜。具体哪日？”她含糊地说什么要在一周以内返回前线。“那我明后天择日登门拜访，亲爱的。喝茶吗？”

To her good fortune and visible relief, one of her polished warriors pulls her away to discuss strategy or some other convenient matter. In her absence, Eldred sidles up beside me. “A library is such a generous offer to make to the Great City,” he says with a light smile.

“Yes, my husband was a generous man.”

算她走运，她手下一个盔明甲亮的士兵把她拉开汇报防务或者其他什么便利的原由，她没等离开我的视线就露出如释重负的表情。她走后，埃尔德雷德从我身后靠过来。“图书馆可是对雄都的慷慨捐赠。”他带着笑意说。

“I am interested in seeing what your collection holds.”

I roll my eyes. “The Mageseekers will not find any book of magic within my estate, of that I can assure you.”

“是，我的丈夫一向慷慨。”

“Ah, but descriptions of magic can be dangerous, too, Lady Lestara.” His smile is gone now, replaced with a stony expression meant to distract from the fanaticism in his eyes. “And some books tend to reference magic with a... shall we say, a treacherous lack of judgment. Sorcery deemed morally gray, instead of the evil we know it to be. And we can’t let that corrupt the minds of the Demacian people into believing that magic is... some sort of neutral force.”

“Are you suggesting that the Mageseekers audit my collection before the library opens?” I cannot believe the gall of this man. The Mageseekers do not have the power to make those sorts of demands, especially not of the nobility. “Because I am still Lady Lestara Buvelle, head of the Buvelle family until my daughter claims the title. With all the history behind that name, I don’t believe the king would—”

“我很好奇你们的藏书都有哪些。”

“Necessitate it? Oh, but didn’t you hear?” His smile is back, and I just want to slap it off his face. “It was Noxian mages that brought down the Gates of Mourning. Who is it that you think the king wants to punish?”

“The Noxians.” I say it firmly, but doubt creeps into my mind.

我向上瞟一眼。“搜魔人从我家里搜不出魔法的书，我可以向你保证。”

Eldred confirms these doubts with a shake of his head. “The mages.”

I had wondered for some time about Sona’s instrument, but it became clear after a few years that there was more to it than beautiful music.

“啊，但关于魔法的描述也可能存在危险，乐斯塔拉夫人。”他的笑意消失了，磐石般的表情遮不住他眼里射出的疯狂。“一些书里提到的魔法……可以说，欠缺公正的判断，居心不良。把魔法写成模棱两可的道德灰色地带，而不是我们所知的邪恶黑暗。我们可不能让那样的书荼毒德玛西亚人民的心智，让他们错以为魔法是……某种中性的力量。”

And I did not know how best to tell Barrett.

We had never kept anything from one another, and I knew he did not fear and hate mages the way that some others in the nobility did. But I did not know how he would react if I told him that I suspected our daughter used magic.

“你的意思是搜魔人要先审核我的藏书，否则不允许图书馆开放？”这个人的厚颜无耻简直难以置信。搜魔人没有权力提出那样的要求，更何况是对贵族。“提醒你，我现在还是乐斯塔拉•布维尔夫人，布维尔的家族长，未来会由我的女儿继承这一位置。这个家族的历史源远流长，国王可未必会——”

It took months before I felt like I knew what to say. It was before bed, a week or so before spring would become summer, on a warm and peony-scented night.

“Barrett.”

“发强制令？噢，您还没听说吗？”他的笑意又回来了，我可真想一巴掌打上去。“攻破哀伤之门的是诺克萨斯的法师。您觉得国王会惩罚谁？”

“Hm?” He was paging through the Illuminators poesy book, as he often did when it seemed like he would need to go speak with soldiers at the front soon.

“I need you to know that, as much as I love you, I would leave you if you ever did anything to hurt our daughters.”

“诺克萨斯。”我坚定地说，但一份不安悄悄爬上心头。

Barrett dropped his book on the floor. “What?” he asked, astounded. “What have I done to make you think that I would ever—”

“I just need you to know it,” I said. “You would never see me or our daughters again, for the rest of your life.”

埃尔德雷德证实了我的不安，他摇了摇头，“法师。”

He frowned. “Has something happened?”

I remember leaning over and lifting his book off the floor, smoothing the pages out where they had bent. I needed something to do with my hands, and somewhere to look that was not my husband’s face.

“I believe that Sona uses magic.”

“...Oh.”

娑娜的乐器让我好奇了一阵子，经过几年的相处，很显然它并不只是能演奏优美的音乐。

His face, when I glanced up at him, was unreadable.

What had I done? Had I endangered my daughter’s life? Had I destroyed my marriage?

我不知道该怎样告诉巴雷特。

He turned to me, a look of wild fear in his eyes. I had never seen him afraid like this before, and I did not yet know what it meant.

“How...” he asked, his voice breaking. “How can we keep her safe?”

我们之间从未有过任何隐瞒，我知道他不惧怕也不憎恨法师，不像其他那些贵族。但不知道如果我告诉他女儿可能会用魔法，他会作何反应。

我花了好几个月的时间才想好该怎么说。那是春夏交接的前一周，一个洋溢着芍药花香的温暖夜晚，在准备就寝的时候。

“巴雷特。”

“嗯？”他正在翻阅光照者的诗集，可能他又要准备去前线讲给士兵们听。

“我想让你知道，虽然我很爱你，但如果你做了任何伤害女儿们的事，我还是会离开你。”

巴雷特手里的书摔到了地上。“什么？”他吃惊地问，“我做错了什么吗，你为什么会这么——”

“我只是想让你知道，”我说，“你的余生，将再也见不到我和女儿们。”

他眉头紧锁。“出什么事了吗？”

我还记得自己弯腰从地上捡起那本书，抚平折角的书页。我需要用手拿着点什么，我需要注视丈夫脸庞以外的东西。

“我觉得娑娜会用魔法。”

“……哦。”

当我抬起目光，他的表情，难以捉摸。

我刚刚做了什么？我是不是危及了女儿的性命？我是不是摧毁了自己的婚姻？

他转身面对我，眼中是狂乱的恐惧。我从未见过他那样害怕，我当时还不知道那意味着什么。

“那……”他声音颤抖地问，“我们要怎样才能保护好她？”

那一刻，我从未如此深爱我的丈夫。

I had never loved my husband more than I did in that moment.

The entire day has left me drained, and my daughters help me to my feet as the last of the noble guests trickle out of the gardens.

“Should we take you home?” Sona asks. I can tell she’s worried about me, she’s been doting on me all day, but I know the grief has been taking its toll on her as well.

I shake my head. “No. I... I want us to say goodbye. Just the three of us. Before we leave.” Before the throne room is opened to the public tomorrow and the throngs of mourners crowd the space too much for any semblance of privacy.

一整天过去，我感觉自己被抽干了，女儿们扶我站起来送最后几位贵族宾客离开花园。

Kahina nods and goes off to find the king. Jarvan, of course, says that we can have as much time as we need. “I’ll be just outside the doors if you need me,” he says. I’m touched by this offer—the king has only ever offered to stand guard for one man, and now that man is ash. His love for Barrett, it would seem, extends to Barrett’s family as well.

I kneel beside the carving that seals his resting place. On the outside is a detailed relief of his face in profile, his name, and the Buvelle family crest. The official images, the ones that commemorate him to all of Demacia forever. But I know that on the inside, facing his ashes, is a picture Kahina scribbled out when she was a child. It is Barrett, beside two men on horseback, giving them each a water cask and a new pair of boots. A child’s drawing of a man she loved very much.

“我们带您回家吧？”娑娜问。可以看出她很担心我，她已经陪了我一整天，但我知道她也承担着同样的悲痛。

Kahina kneels beside me and kisses my cheek. “I have been thinking of how I want to honor him.”

“You honor him by living as the wonderful woman you’ve grown to be,” I say, pressing my lips to her forehead.

我摇了摇头。“不。我……我想最后道别。就我们三个。然后再回家。”否则明天王宫将面向公众开放，前来致哀的人群将留不下任何私人空间。

But she pulls back from me and lets her hands fall to her lap. “I’m serious, Mother.”

Frowning, I gesture for her to continue. I don’t know what I expect her to say, but it’s clear that she does not expect me to be happy about it.

卡欣娜点了点头，离开我们去寻找国王。可想而知，嘉文说我们逗留多久都没关系。他说，“我就在门外，如有需要敬请吩咐。”我很感动——国王只会为一个人站岗，而那个人现已化成了灰。他对巴雷特的爱，看来也延伸到了巴雷特的家人。

With a long look at her father’s tomb, Kahina says, “Father’s commission needs to be filled.”

“...He was a chaplain.”

我跪坐到他安息处的刻印徽记旁边。骨灰瓮外侧是他精美的侧面像，他的名字，还有布维尔的家徽。这些都是正式的图像，是他面向德玛西亚全民的纪念。但我知道在内侧，紧贴着骨灰的，是卡欣娜孩童时刻下的涂鸦。画的是巴雷特，身边伴着两个骑马的人，他分别向他们递出一只水桶和一副新皮靴。那是孩童笔下自己最爱的人。

“And so shall I be. Sort of.”

“I don’t understand, Kahina.”

卡欣娜跪坐在我旁边，轻吻我的脸颊。“我一直都在想，我应该怎样致敬父亲。”

She takes a deep breath, which does not calm the worry in my stomach. But then she smiles, radiant. “I have decided to join the Illuminators as a knight.”

I gasp. I can’t help it.

“活出你自己的精彩，就是对他的致敬。”我说着，嘴唇轻轻贴上她的额头。

Knightly Illuminators may do their good works in battle, coming to the aid of Demacia when they are needed. In times of peace, they are devoted entirely to the cause of bettering the kingdom.

So devoted that they neither marry nor hold titles. Not a problem for most who join, but for Kahina, the intended inheritor of the Buvelle name...

但她回了回去，双手放到腿上。“我说真的，母亲。”

“That... is wonderful, my love. Wonderful news.” I hug her tightly and try not to let her see the worry I know has settled onto my face. “Your father would be so proud of you, as I am.”

It is true. He would be.

我蹙起眉，示意她继续说。我不知道自己该作何期待，但显然她觉得我听了会不高兴。

Sona touches the petricite seal to Barrett’s tomb, and I see that she is shaken by this news as well. Kahina joining the Illuminators would mean that Sona is the only remaining heir.

And as an adopted child, especially one of Ionian rather than Demacian blood, that could prove difficult for her.

卡欣娜久久凝望父亲的墓，然后说，“父亲的衣钵要有人去继承。”

Especially if the Mageseekers gain the sort of power Eldred seems to be anticipating.

What would happen if things got too dangerous for her to remain within Demacia? Barrett and I discussed the possibility while he was still alive, but neither of us ever thought it would truly come to be an issue. The Mageseekers have never been well-loved or admired, but with Eldred wedded to Tianna Crownguard, that might not matter for long.

“……他是圣职者。”

I don’t know how long I sit there considering both of my daughters’ futures, but all too soon they are ready to leave. I tell them that I will stay behind, to go home without me.

I am still not ready to say goodbye.

“那我就应该成为圣职者。某种意义上的。”

Jarvan III steps into the hall, and I cannot tell if I am annoyed or relieved. “Lestara? Are you still here?”

“I am.”

“我没听明白，卡欣娜。”

Quietly, he comes to kneel beside me. He is a tall man, but the weight of his grief has bent his shoulders. I have never looked at Jarvan and thought of him as old, but now I can see his age clearly.

“I remember,” he says, breaking the silence, “the first time I met Barrett. As a boy.”

她深吸一口气，让我悬着的心更加担忧。可随后她露出微笑，光辉闪耀。“我决定加入光照者，成为骑士。”

I have heard this story many times over the years, but always from Barrett’s perspective. I wonder how the king’s account will differ.

“I was angry at another child, a boy who worked in the stables. I think perhaps I had lost in some game or another, something of no real importance, and I was throwing a tantrum the way small children do. I was yelling so fervently that I’m told my face was turning purple.” He laughs at this, though there is still no joy on his face. “And Barrett came up to me and started in on me, asking me what made me think this poor stable boy deserved my abuse, with that damned smile of his.”

我倒抽一口凉气。我无法掩饰。

“The one where he’s being so patient with you.”

“Exactly. The worst sort of thing for a six year old to see, when he’s crying so hard he can’t breathe. So I start shouting at him instead. ‘Do you know who I am?’ And he just patiently answers that of course he does, and he would have expected better of me than that.” He shakes his head, and I swear I can see tears on his cheeks. “He impressed me then. Didn’t care that I was a prince, just thought that I should have been better. That calmed me down, and when the tears stopped I asked him his name.” This smile is real, full of the love for this boy in a memory. “As I said before, he made me a better man.”

光照者的骑士可能会驰骋沙场，在危难时挽救德玛西亚。而在和平年代，他们会将全部身心贡献给王国的改良事业。

I can feel my own tears starting again, hot behind my eyes. “Did he?”

“What do you—”

全身心贡献，意味着他们不成家，不受册封。这对多数成员都不是问题，但卡欣娜，她可是布维尔家族既定的继承人……

“Barrett would not want his death avenged.”

Jarvan knows I’m right. I can tell because his face loses every bit of color. “Not everything we do is what the dead would have wanted from us,” he says, voice tinged with sadness and steel. “But the living have to go on finding ways to live. Ways to move forward.”

“这真是……太好了，亲爱的。好极了。”我紧紧拥抱她，不想让她看到我脸上的担忧。“你父亲一定会为你感到骄傲，和我一样。”

I know there are things I could say to him, but none that would get him to change his mind. Jarvan III is a man who, like my husband was, is as good as his word. He will do what he chooses once he has decided to do it, and nothing can stop him from it.

So we sit there together in silence for a little while longer. I stand, wishing that I could have had more time alone with my beloved, but the king shows no sign of moving and I don’t care to sit beside him any longer.

这是实话。他一定会引以为傲。

As I start toward the doorway, though, I hear Jarvan speak again. “You made him a better man, Lestara. I hope you know that.”

“I do. He never failed to tell me so.”

娑娜触碰巴雷特墓上的禁魔石封印，我可以看出她对卡欣娜的决定也很震惊。卡欣娜加入光照者，意味着娑娜成为仅存的继承人。

Suddenly, the King of Demacia stands and wraps me in a tight hug. I can feel him start to shake as he tries to hold back more sobs.

This is the moment it hits me.

作为养女，而且还是艾欧尼亚人，这个继承人可能很难做。

Barrett is gone. He’s really gone.

My own tears start to fall, and soon I’m gasping for air, unable to breathe. It feels as though all of the breath has been wrung from my body, and all I have left is burning tears.

更不要说搜魔人正在扩张权力，变成埃尔德雷德所期待的样子。

We cry in each other’s arms, unable to speak for the hideous grief that chokes us both. I cannot let go or I would fall to the floor.

I don’t know how long we stay like that. Seconds, minutes, hours. But eventually my breath comes back to me, and I stand there and breathe, feeling Jarvan calm as well.

如果时局变得太危险，迫使她无法继续留在德玛西亚怎么办？巴雷特在世的时候曾和我讨论过种种可能，但当时我们谁也没想到这个问题会成为现实。搜魔人从来都不受爱戴和敬仰，但埃尔德雷德与缇亚娜•冕卫成婚以后，情况可能会变。

“I’m having trouble remembering things about him,” Jarvan whispered. “It’s like my mind always trusted that he’d be there, so there was no reason to... to catalogue his laughter, or remember the exact way he’d say something profound. But I... I need some of his words, Lestara. Something that will allow his voice to echo in my mind again. Please.”

I think for a moment, but... the things I remember best about him are not memories I want to share with Jarvan III. They are mine, moments between Barrett and me that are my own treasures.

我不知道自己坐在那里思考了多久女儿们的未来，但一转眼，她们都已经准备好离开。我告诉她们我要多留一阵，让她们先回去。

So I shake my head. “I don’t remember his words, not exactly.” Then, for the first time in three weeks, I feel myself start to smile. It feels foreign to me now, but I still remember how to do it somehow. “But I remember what he did, and how he made me feel. And that’s all anyone can hope to leave behind. It’s the only legacy that matters.”

Far from the Citadel of Dawn, Sona dragged her trunk out from beneath her bed, trying to keep from waking her sister sleeping down the hall, and began emptying her closet. Almost all of it was the things she would wear when performing, and very little of it was particularly practical. Certainly it was not the usual attire for a runaway teenager. But if she was going to support herself away from home, she would need her music and her performance skills to do it.

我还没准备好道别。

In the three weeks since her father had died, things already felt so different in Demacia.

She knew that the war the king wanted to wage would not be against the Noxians. It would be against people like her... and Sona was all too aware that her mother could not protect her the way that her father could, as the king’s best friend.

嘉文三世走进大厅，我说不上自己究竟是厌烦还是如释重负。“乐斯塔拉？你还在吗？”

So she was leaving. Leaving before anything else could go wrong. Leaving before anyone could stop her.

Or so she had hoped. Sona heard the front door open—that would be her mother, finally returning home. She can’t stop me, she thought as she ran her hand along the side of her etwahl. I can make sure she doesn’t.

“我在。”

Lestara took one look through Sona’s door and nodded, her hands settling comfortably and easily into the signs as she told her daughter in no uncertain terms, “I’m coming with you.”

Sona chased after her mother as she strode toward her own bedroom. “Mother, you don’t even know where I’m going!” she signed frantically as soon as Lestara could see her hands.

他静静地跪坐到我身边。他个子很高，但悲哀的重量压塌了他的肩膀。我眼中的嘉文从未如此老迈，但现在我可以明显看到他身上的岁月。

“It doesn’t matter. I’m going with you. I’ll pack my things now, we’ll leave within the week.”

“Mother—”

“我还记得，”他打破了沉默，“我第一次遇到巴雷特。那时我还很小。”

Lestara gave her daughter a sad smile. “Sona. When have you been able to talk me out of anything once I’ve set my mind to it?”

And with that, she walked away.

我在过去几年里已经听过这个故事许多次，但都是从巴雷特的角度。我很好奇国王的回忆是否会有不同。

Sona didn’t realize she was crying until she looked out her window and felt the cold night air across her face.

This isn’t fair, she thought. I don’t want to leave. This is my home.

“我冲另一个孩子发火，他是马厩里的小伙计。好像是我输掉了游戏还是怎么的，总之是些大不了的事，于是我就像小孩子那样耍脾气。我喊得特别疯，脸都紫了。”说到这里他笑了出来，但脸上没有丝毫愉悦。“然后巴雷特走过来，开始对我说，他问我为什么觉得那个可怜的马厩伙计活该让我这么数落，当时他脸上就挂着他那该死的微笑。”

But was it? Was it still? With her father gone, could it ever be again?

As she often did when she did not know what else to do, Sona sat down at her etwahl and began to play.

“每当他对你特别耐心的时候的那种微笑。”

The mournful melody drifted out through her window echoing down the streets of the Great City, through the Citadel, even past the walls. Those who heard it did not know why they began to weep.

But Sona knew.

“没错。那可是一个六岁小孩最烦的微笑，而且还是哭到喘不上气的小孩。于是我反倒冲着他大声嚷嚷起来。‘你知道我是谁吗？’然后他就耐心地回答他当然知道，还说他觉得我应该更体面一些。”嘉文摇摇头，我发誓我看到了他脸上的泪水。“那个时候他镇住我了。他不在乎我是不是王子，只是觉得我应该更体面。然后我就冷静下来了，擦干眼泪以后，我问了他的名字。”这次的笑容是真实的，满溢着对回忆中那个男孩的爱。“就像我曾说过的，他让我成为更好的自己。”

They cried for the death of a man without equal.

And they cried for the country he had once bettered with his presence, now forever changed in his absence.

我感觉自己的泪水又开始涌出，就在眼眶里打转。“更好了吗？”

Sona knew. And so she wept, and she played.

“你在说——”

“巴雷特肯定不想让别人为自己复仇。”

嘉文知道我是对的。因为他的脸上顿时变得黯淡。“我们所作所为不一定都如死者所愿。”他的声音里带着哀伤和钢铁的味道。“但生者必须想办法活下去。想办法向前看。”

我有许多话可以劝他，但说再多也无法让他回心转意。嘉文三世和我的丈夫一样，都是说到做到。只要他决定了，就会坚持到底，没什么可以阻拦。

于是我们一起安静地坐了一阵。我站起身，暗自希望自己可以和丈夫再多独处一会，但国王没有想要离开的意思，我也不想继续和他坐在一起。

就在我向门口走去的时候，嘉文又开口了。“你让他成为了更好的自己，乐斯塔拉。我希望你知道这件事。”

“我知道。他用最真挚的话语告诉过我许多遍。”

突然，德玛西亚的国王站起来紧紧拥抱我。我感觉到他开始颤抖，还在努力忍住更大的哭声。

就是在这一刻，我绷断了。

巴雷特走了。他真的走了。

我自己的眼泪也开始落下，很快我就开始喘不上气，无法呼吸。感觉似乎所有力气都从我身体里抽走，剩下的只有灼热的泪水。

我们在彼此的拥抱中哭泣，说不出话，可怕的悲痛让我们无语凝噎。我不能放手，不然就会瘫倒在地。

我不记得那样过去了多久。几秒，几分，几时。但最后我的呼吸平复过来，我站在那喘息，感到嘉文也冷静了下来。

“我记不清关于他的事了，”嘉文小声说，“就好像我已经习惯了有他在，所以就没必要去专门记住他的欢笑，或者他说过的含义深刻名句。可我……我需要记住他说的话，乐斯塔拉。能让我回想起他声音的话。求求你。”

我想了一会，可是……那些关于他最珍贵的回忆都是我不愿与嘉文分享的。那些回忆只属于我，那是巴雷特和我之间的宝藏。

于是我摇摇头。“我也不记得他说的话，记不清了。”然后，在这三周以来，我第一次感觉自己笑了。这种感觉现在有些异样，但我依然还记得怎样微笑。“但我记得他的动作，还有他留给我的感觉。而那是一个人留在世上最重要的东西。是唯一有意义的遗物。”

离开了黎明城堡，娑娜从自己床底下拖出一个大箱子，小心翼翼地不想吵醒廊道尽头的姐姐，然后她开始从衣柜里掏衣服。几乎全都是她在演奏时的穿戴，没几件特别实用的。这当然不是逃家的孩子通常携带的衣物。但如果她要在离开家以后自力更生，就必定需要用到音乐和演奏的技艺。

她父亲去世以后的三个星期以来，德玛西亚感觉变了很多。

她知道国王要掀起的这场战争不是冲着诺克萨斯。而是冲着像她这样的人……而娑娜非常清楚她的母亲无法像父亲那样保护她，毕竟她不是国王最好的朋友。

所以她要走。趁着还没出什么乱子。趁着还没人阻止他。

至少她是这么希望的。娑娜听到前门打开的声音——这应该是母亲，终于回家来了。她无法阻止我，她心想着，一只手抚过叆华的边沿。我有办法让她无法阻止我。

乐斯塔拉在娑娜的门口看了一眼，然后点点头，比出几个手势，坚决地告诉她的女儿，“我和你一起走。”

娑娜追着母亲来到她卧房门口。“母亲，你连我要去哪都不知道！”乐斯塔拉刚一回头，她便慌乱地用手语说。

“去哪都无所谓。我和你一起走。我这就去收拾，我们一周之内动身。”

“母亲——”

乐斯塔拉对女儿露出悲伤的微笑。“娑娜。我决定的事，你什么时候劝动过？”

然后，她走开了。

娑娜没有意识到自己在哭，直到她看出窗外，让夜晚的冷风吹过脸庞。

这不公平，她心想，我不想走。这是我家。

但这真的是她家吗？依然是她家吗？父亲离世以后，还有可能再次称之为家吗？

就像平时她不知所措时那样，娑娜坐在叆华旁边，开始弹奏。

哀伤的旋律飘出窗外，回荡在雄都的街道上，穿过城堡，飘出城墙。听到的人不会知道自己为何开始落泪。

只有娑娜知道。

他们是在为一个举世无双的人落泪。

他们也是在为这个国家落泪。这里曾因他的来到而美好，如今也因他的离开而改变。

娑娜知道。于是她落泪，于是她弹奏。