破婚人 The Wedding Crasher

还有束腰。但这条偷来的裙子里面空间不小，她好好地利用了一下，脸上也挤出了快活的笑容。她把长长的青色发辫塞在一顶羽毛做的软帽底下——这种丑得发慌的帽子可是皮尔特沃夫最新潮的打扮。金克丝蹭着滑步，在一个个鼓着死鱼眼的宾客之间游窜。她挂着僵硬的微笑，尽力克制自己朝他们大吼一声的冲动。只有非凡的意志力，才能强迫自己不会抓着他们的肩膀用力地摇醒每个人。

Jinx hated petticoats.

金克丝来这儿原本的计划是在沙维克伯爵庄园顶上的天文台放焰火，但却碰上了一场婚礼……还有比这更适合捣乱的场合吗？伯爵为了把女儿的婚宴办成一场盛会，真的是一点儿也没节省。皮城的精品人物都来了：大家族的头头、有名的海克斯技工……就连肥肥的尼哥底母也不知道从哪里骗到了一份请柬。这位皮城守卫的长官身穿制服，胸膛鼓胀，一双泡泡眼死盯着望不到边的自助餐桌，活像一头吃撑了的巨型魄罗。一支小小的管弦乐队奏出的曲子飘过众人，呆板，无趣，迟钝……金克丝只想打哈欠。她喜欢祖安城里昼夜不分的音乐，一听到就会让你忍不住跺脚甩头疯狂转圈直到头晕呕吐为止。

Corsets too, but she grinned at how she’d put the space under and within the stolen dress to good use. Her long blue braids were concealed beneath a ridiculous feathered bonnet that was the latest fashion in Piltover. Jinx sashayed between the wedding guests, keeping her smile fixed and trying not to scream at the dead-eyed people surrounding her. It took an effort of will not to grab each one by the shoulder and try to shake them awake.

旋转的西洋镜里装着海克斯流明管，光线穿过古怪角度的透镜投影出虚幻的舞队，在地上跳跃盘旋，引来孩子们兴奋的笑闹。他们从来没体验过饥饿、痛苦还有失落的滋味。小丑和变戏法儿的手艺人在人群中来来回回，表演卡牌魔术取悦客人们。金克丝见过更厉害的。边境市场的地沟扒手能给这些手艺人好好地上一课。

Jinx had come here to get all explodey on the observatory atop Count Sandvik’s mansion, but when she’d seen there was a wedding underway... well, that was too good an opportunity for mayhem to pass it up. The count had spared no expense in making his daughter’s party a grand spectacle. The cream of Piltover society was here; the heads of the major clans, lauded hextech artificers, and even fat Nicodemus had managed to finagle an invite. The Warden-Prefect looked like an overstuffed poro in his dress uniform, chest puffed out and beady eyes ogling the sprawling buffet table. Music from a small orchestra drifted over the wedding guests, so slow and ponderous it made Jinx want to yawn. She’d take the foot-stomping, spin-around-till-it-made-you-sick music of Zaun any day.

墙上是皮城的达官显贵们的画像，裱在橡木的框子里，外沿嵌着黄铜的回纹装饰。肖像里的人，无论男女，全都高高在上地俯视着底下的人，轻蔑和不屑都要溢出来了。金克丝经过的时候，朝着他们挨个儿地吐舌头。想着他们啧啧叹气、大摇其头的蠢样儿，她又快活地笑了。彩色的玻璃窗在马赛克地面上画出一道道彩虹，金克丝欢快地跳过一块块亮晶晶的方砖，朝着一张大桌子走去。桌子上堆着成山的食物，足够让祖安的一百户人家吃上一个月。

Hexlumens fitted with rotating zoetropes and oddly-angled lenses projected spectral dancers onto the floor that pirouetted and spun to the delight of laughing children who’d never known a moment of hunger, pain, or loss. Mimes and sleight of hand artistes moved through the crowd, delighting the guests with the fingerwork of their card tricks. Jinx had seen better. The sump-snipes of the Boundary Markets would quite literally give any of these performers a run for their money.

制服笔挺的侍者端着一个银盘路过她身旁，一盘子的高脚杯里盛着金晃晃的东西，还冒着泡。她一手拿了一杯，呲牙一笑，转着圈儿跑开了。一路上酒水四溅，飞扬的泡沫沾上了客人们的裙边和长袍，金克丝嗤嗤地偷笑起来。

Pictures of Piltover’s bigwigs hung on walls paneled with oak and inlaid with geometric copper fretwork. The men and women in the portraits looked down on the people below with haughty disdain. Jinx stuck her tongue out at each and every one of them as she passed, grinning as they tutted and turned away. Windows paned with colored glass patterned the mosaic floor with rainbows and Jinx skipped merrily over every bright square as she made her way to a table heaped with enough food to feed a hundred families in Zaun for a month.

“干杯。”她说完，仰头干掉了杯里剩下的酒。

A liveried waiter passed her, bearing a silver tray of fluted glasses filled with something golden and fizzy. She took one in each hand, spinning away with a grin. Flying foam stained the backs of dresses and frock coats of nearby guests and Jinx sniggered.

她别扭地弯下腰，把杯子放在马赛克地板上，正对着舞者经过的路线。她打着嗝哼出了一首小曲儿的前几节——《蔚是大蠢驴》，是她临时编的。几位淑女转过头来，眼里带着嘲笑地看着她。金克丝夸张地捂住嘴，眼睛瞪得老大，做出一副不好意思的神情。

“Drink up,” she said and knocked back what was left in the glasses.

“对不起哦。我恰巧就是要这样干。”

She bent awkwardly and set the glasses on the mosaic floor, right in the path of oncoming dancers, and burped the opening bars of Vi is a Stupid Fathead, a tune she’d only just made up. Cliques of society ladies turned to sneer at her coarseness, and Jinx covered her mouth in mock, wide-eyed embarrassment. “Sorry, I accidentally did that on purpose.”

她继续往前，从另一个侍者的盘子里抓了一些像鱼的古怪东西，高高抛起，然后成功地用嘴接住了一条。还有几条掉进了她胸前硬挤出的乳沟里。她飞快地掏出来，敏捷得就像是地沟的拾荒人在烂泥里发现了闪光的宝贝。

She skipped on and helped herself to some weird looking fish-things from another waiter’s platter. She tossed them into the air and managed to catch at least one in her mouth. A few fell into her enhanced cleavage and she plucked them out with the glee of a sump-scrapper who’d found something shiny in the ooze.

“你以为自己能跑掉嘛！小鱼鱼！”她摆摆手指。“你们想多了哟。”

“You thought you could get away from me, fishy-fishes!” she said, wagging a finger at each morsel. “Well, you were wrong.”

金克丝把食物塞进嘴里，重新理了理裙子。她一点也不习惯上身的感觉，不过裙子里头藏的东西让她差点儿没憋住笑出来。她后颈的汗毛突然竖了起来。她抬头看见一个男的，站在大厅的角落正盯着她。穿着质地精良的礼服，有些不近人情，看上去挺帅的，但明显是个皮城守卫，就差没在脖子上挂块牌子了。她转过身，往大厅的人群里又挤深了一些。

Jinx stuffed the food into her mouth and readjusted her dress. She wasn’t used to this much up top, and stifled a giggle at what she had stuffed down there. The hairs on the back of her neck bristled, and she looked up to see a man staring at her from the edge of the chamber. He was good-looking in a stiff sort of way and wore nice, formal clothes, but was so obviously a warden that he might as well have had a sign around his neck. She turned and pushed deeper into the throng of guests filling the chamber.

她摸到了自助餐桌旁，一座高耸的婚礼蛋糕让她倒吸一口凉气：细致扑洒的粉红色糖霜、打好的奶油、焦糖的花边……他们用海绵蛋糕、果酱和甜点仿制出了科技魔法塔。金克丝伸出手，从一个潘趣酒碗里捞起长柄勺，在海绵蛋糕上挖了个洞，然后把勺子里的蛋糕甩在地上，舔干净勺子又扔回了桌上。她看到很多客人滑稽地看着她，于是她咧嘴呲牙，绽开一个最大的坏笑。可能他们会觉得她疯了。可能他们说对了。

She reached the buffet table and sucked in an impressed breath as she saw the towering wedding cake; a frosted masterwork of pink fondant, whipped cream and lacework caramel. A replica of the Tower of Techmaturgy in sponge, jam, and sweet pastry. Jinx reached out, lifted a ladle from the punch bowl, and scooped out a cave in the sponge. She tipped it out onto the floor, licked the ladle clean and tossed it back onto the table. She saw a number of the guests looking at her funny and bared her teeth in her best, manic grin. Maybe they thought she was mad. Maybe they were right.

金克丝耸耸肩。随便咯。

Jinx shrugged. Whatever.

她从领口伸手进去，掏出了四个嚼火者。她往蛋糕上的洞里塞了三个，最后一个扔到了潘趣酒碗里。

She reached down into her décolletage and pulled out four chompers. She stuffed three deep into the hole she’d scooped in the cake and dropped the other in the punch bowl.

金克丝沿着桌子往前走，沿路又放了两个。一个进了铜铸的大汤碗，另一个则换掉了乳猪口里的苹果。少了这些东西，她身上的裙子显得松快多了。她刚拉开侧面的拉链，就发现那个被她认出是守卫的帅哥径直穿过客人朝她走过来。

Jinx strolled along the length of the table, pulling out another two chompers and depositing them in various dishes. One went in a copper soup tureen, the other replaced the apple in the mouth of a suckling pig. Her dress was a lot looser without the additional baggage upstairs, and as she pulled down the side zipper, Jinx spotted the good-looking man she’d earlier pegged as a warden making a beeline for her through the guests.

“时候差不多喽。”她又发现了另外四个打扮齐整的守卫，三女一男，围着她聚拢。“噢噢，你还带了朋友呢！”

“About time,” she said, spotting another four, gussied-up wardens, three women and a man, converging on her. “Oooh, and you brought friends too!”

金克丝摸到背后，扯开了她细腰上系着衬裙的绳结。裙子和束腰一齐掉下来，惊得周围的男女一阵呼叫。

Jinx reached around to the small of her back and pulled the knot securing the petticoats around her narrow waist. The bottom half of her dress sank to the floor as her corset fell away to surprised gasps of the men and women around her.

金克丝露出了自己的行头，粉色的裤袜、挂着子弹皮带的短裤和背心……她扯掉头上的帽子，甩开了头发，从裙子里抽出之前藏好的鱼骨头，甩到肩膀上。

Revealed in her pink leggings, ammo-belted shorts and vest top, Jinx ripped off the bonnet and shook her hair loose. She reached down and swung Fishbones up from where it had been concealed beneath her dress, and hoisted the weapon up to her shoulder.

“大家好呀！”她大叫着跳上了餐桌，从大腿上的枪套里拔出了电击枪。“希望大家胃口都不错……”

“Hey folks!” she yelled, leaping onto the buffet table and drawing Zapper from her thigh-holster. “Hope you’re all hungry...”

金克丝脚跟一转，射出一道噼啪作响的电流，打中了乳猪嘴里的手雷。

Jinx spun on her heel and fired a crackling bolt of energy down the table to the chomper in the pig’s mouth.

“因为这顿饭好吃得要死哟！”

“‘Cause this buffet is to die for!”

嚼火者爆炸了，靠的近得客人被糊了一身的肉块和猪油。紧接着是一串连锁反应。大汤碗飞上高空，牛肉汤把十好几个人淋了个透。然后酒碗也炸了，再就是爆炸的高潮——婚礼的蛋糕。

The chomper exploded, draping the nearest guests in ribbons of scorched meat and fat. A chain reaction of detonations followed. The tureen blasted into the air to drench scores of guests in hot beef soup. The punch bowl blew up next, and then the climax of the detonations; the wedding cake.

三个嚼火者同时引爆，高塔状的蛋糕火箭一般冲天而起，差点儿碰到了彩色玻璃的天花板。蛋糕划出一道弧线，翻了个个儿，一头栽回地板上，炸成了漫天飞雪。软糖朝着四面八方齐射，吓得客人们慌乱地四散逃窜。他们尖叫连连，慌不择路，踩在黏糊糊的奶油和滑腻腻的酒水上摔得连滚带爬。

The three chompers inside detonated simultaneously and the towering confection launched into the air like a rocket. It almost reached the stained glass ceiling before it arced over and nosedived back to the floor. Guests scattered as the giant cake exploded on impact, and fondant fragments flew in all directions. Screaming guests ran from the blasts, slipping and tumbling in patches of gooey cream and sizzling punch.

“我说真的，伙计们，”金克丝吹开眼前得一绺青发，“尖叫有用——才怪呢。”

“Seriously folks,” said Jinx, blowing a loose strand of blue hair out of her face. “Screaming helps, not at all.”

她跳下餐桌，端起鱼骨头对着最近的一扇窗户开了一炮。手弩射出的钢箭擦过她身边，没进了墙里。金克丝大笑着跳过摇摇欲坠的窗户，落在了外面的花园里，就地一滚，迅速地站起来。她本来已经想好了撤退的路线，但当她看向沙维克庄园的大门时，却看到了一辆高大的环骑车正微微闪烁。要是能偷到手肯定好玩死了。

She skipped down the ruined buffet table and fired a rocket from Fishbones that blew out the nearest window. Iron bolts from hand crossbows flashed past her to embed in the walls, but Jinx laughed as she leapt through the shattered window frame to land in the garden beyond. She rolled back to her feet and pulled up short. She’d had an escape route sort of planned out, but looking toward the Sandvik Mansion’s entrance, she saw a tall, gleaming ring-rider that looked like it’d be a ton of fun to steal.

“那我就来试试……”

“Now, that I gotta try...”

她把鱼骨头甩到肩后，一路飞奔过去，顺路用手肘打倒了一群蠢笨的沙维克保镖。她坐进了环骑车手工硝制的皮革坐鞍里。

She slung Fishbones over her shoulder and elbowed a host of gawping Sandvik footmen out the way, settling into the disc-runner’s hand-tooled leather saddle.

“所以这东西怎么开啊？”她眼前是一个控制台，上面令人目不暇接地排着象牙质地的旋钮、黄铜的拨盘和宝石形的按键。

“So how do you start this thing?” she said, staring at the bewildering array of ivory knobs, brass-rimmed dials and gem-like buttons on the control panel in front of her.

“大不了错几次就好了！”

“Time for a little trial and error!”

金克丝把最近的一个拉杆用力一拉，然后猛地按下她眼前最大又最红的一个按钮。身下的机器一阵颤动，先是呜咽，然后变成了逐渐升高的轰鸣声。环轮的外圈开始发出蓝光，庄园的大门也被人撞开了。有人大喊着要她站住。就好像这样喊有用似的！环骑车的撑脚收进了闪光的轮圈里，金克丝快活地狂叫一声，眨眼便疾冲了出去，仿佛是一发超究极死神飞弹。

Jinx hauled back on the nearest lever and hit the biggest, reddest button she could see. The machine throbbed beneath her, spooling up with a rising whine and hum of building power. Blue light spun around the outer edges of the wide disc as the main doors to the mansion slammed open. Stern voices yelled at her to stop. Like that was going to happen! The stabilizer struts retracted into the gleaming frame and Jinx whooped with manic glee as the disc-runner shot away from the mansion like a super mega death rocket.

“拜拜！”她回头尖叫：“派对棒极了！”

“See ya!” she yelled over her shoulder. “Awesome party!”